Soft Proses & Bloody Journals

II

If I Weren't Me by Katherine Li

if i asked you if you would have loved to be my mistake by The 1975, are you going to say yes willingly? i know you will agree- without any doubt.

But, i also asked myself- there are nights i ask myself if i wanted you to be my mistake. I couldn't find any answer other than being silent. I can't - I couldn't allow you to be my mistake like you are someone bad, like you've done me wrong because you did not; you couldn't even tell me that my action is hurting you already. I can't label you as my mistake and act like it's nothing because that word is really heavy for me and you don't deserve to be called like that.

I couldn't explain it properly to you- I couldn't even find words to explain my current state that keeps changing faster than a christmas lights. I couldn't find the right words like the words i needed are cut out of the dictionary- blurred, burned, ripped, lined out and i couldn't tell anymore what that word even is.

I couldn't love you, i couldn't even give anything to myself anymore. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to drag you into my mess- couldn't let you discover the deeper sides of mine I couldn't even face. They are so dark, they are so scary and I'm so afraid- I'm too afraid. i didn't want my demons to get close to you- I don't want to suck the life out of your eyes and kill you - drain you completely.

I rather drain alone- I'm too exhausting even for myself and i didn't want to see you get tired of me eventually. I didn't want you to be someone i lost because i became too much, i became too tiring and draining. So i begged you to let me be- leave me be. To disappear, to vanish like i never existed in your life like I'm just a bad dream you shouldn't have had. I'm so sorry- i thought i defeated my demons. I thought i could let someone in again and love them.

Im damaged too badly, i cannot be fixed, i cannot be saved. I can't let you save me nor fix me because you weren't the one who had hurt me. You're not a repairman and I'm too impossible to fix. You cannot meet me the same as i meet myself because I'm too down- I'm too deep in my own shit. I'm drowning in my own tears and i couldn't let you see it. I'm the wrong person and I'm unable to tell you straightforwardly- that's the summary of my letter to you.

I would be a liar to not to admit that i would have loved it if we made it. Sincerity is scary- you are scary for me and so is myself. I don't know who i am so how can i know who we are, if I don't know myself? But when we are together, my worries disappear for a second then it'll show up all of a sudden and eat me up. What was i even made for? That's the question i ask myself now that i only have myself to talk to because you're not here anymore.

theres one thing i dont want to ask you because i already know your answer. im sorry but i couldn't ask you to love me while i hate myself- i know you'll say yes.

You deserve someone who won't ask you to be their mistake or view you as somebody else.

I couldn't, from-
Me, i had to let go.