Soft Proses & Bloody Journals

IV

Listen to "the book of you and i" by Alec Benjamin

the book about us that is left hidden in the bottom right corner on the bookshelf.
(May 27, 2022 | 10:37 pm
the apology i never sent.)

I hurried you to love me and I apologize for it.

I apologize for suddenly striking you with love like a lightning. For bombarding you with love memes— I've been saving it all up for the right person thats why I clicked send to you without thinking twice. I'm sorry if I acted like a 7 year old kid that saw a flower and gave it to his crush just because it's pretty. I didn't act like a teenager but instead acted like a kid. Well the teenager me too would have picked a flower for you too without knowing it's name. I could have plucked a wild flower and triggered your allergies instead of setting your heart race.

I admit it, I reacted impulsively. I just can't help myself when it comes to you. I never thought that it might have made you uncomfortable somehow. I'm really sorry for being silly and awkwardly liking you. You're just like the only good book left on a book rush day— and that book is what I've been looking for years. Like the last vanilla ice cream scoop left or the last coffee sachet on the table that me and my sister is fighting for.

I held on to you too tightly when you're not even mine. I forgot about that fact and that's why I rushed you to like me back so that I can call you mine. I was the first one to stepped back after a week you confessed because I felt that something is not right. It doesn't mean that something is wrong— but it just doesn't fit. It's similar to a puzzle piece I tried to put on a wrong place.

You confessing to me felt like not in the place— I doubted everything. That maybe you only liked me back because I kept pressuring you and what if that's not what I want? What if that's not what we wanted all along? What if you're just being swayed by the waves I did? What if I don't want you anymore after tasting that sweet flavor of love and later on leave it under the sun like I never touched it once? What if you wake up one morning and also think that this isn't right? You once told me that I'm being fast and ever since that day I realized that you're right. You rode along with my pace selflessly that's why I pulled away.

I pushed you away before your feelings grow deeper— your love isn't meant for me since the start. You are never mine to begin with. I claimed your heart, announced to the world that we are destined but we're not. I don't believe on those destiny or things like we're not written on the stars but it's true. It's true that we're not meant to be— we get to decide what we are supposed to be and we both know that we will not end up being each other's yet we still gave it a shot. We gave the word "us" a chance even though we can see the ending, we still turned the pages—

We reached the end of our book— it's not a happily ever after epilogue because we're only a side character of each other's story. We're not the main characters— we are not like Romeo and Juliet but it still felt like being stabbed deeply in my chest. We can tell it apart— you will always be the one who made half of my storyline and i will only just be the person who made a sudden appearance to your life and disappeared like a bubble. You'll eventually forget about me— my tale is not that interesting.

Close our book, the clock already strike indicating that it's midnight. The magical experience we felt is now ending, thank you for coming into my life.

Written by the side character that almost became the protagonist of a love story.