Can You Feel My Heart?

Scared

Was he afraid to die, or was he just afraid to live the life he wanted so badly to end?

•••
The Day Before
For a while, Jake stared at the rope in his hands, felt the roughness of it with his fingertips. He took a section of the rope and wrapped it around his wrist, mentally replacing his wrist with his neck.

Would it hurt? He thought of this for an hour before he came to this simple conclusion: he didn't care. He'd do anything to escape his reality.

And then Jaylnn came to mind. Would his little brother miss him? Would he even care? Jake realized that Jaylnn would care, and that he'd be upset. But Jake's selfishness bled thick, and so he dropped the subject all together.

Jake then put the rope in his bag. He walked out of the men's bathroom and massaged his left temple, where there was a dull ache slightly increasing in its pounding.

Walking out of the little diner, Jake thought of going home. What would happen? Would his father stop hitting him? Jake shook his head. He knew what he was doing; he was just searching for ways to talk himself out of his plan. He was afraid. But of what?

He decided that he needed to go home anyway, because his plan had to be carried out there. That's where it would end - where he would end. The last things he would see were the stars in his vision, growing brighter the longer he struggled for air.

•••

Jake climbed through his already open window, carefully placing his foot on his desk. He preferred having his desk next to his window because he liked to stare at the trees while he wrote.

He reached his hand out and placed it on the far end of his desk, using it to pull himself into the room. Finally, he was inside. He wiped his shoe smudges off of the dark wood and sat on his bed. He laid back and listened to the bed creak under his weight.

Slowly, he began to fall asleep. Just when sweet serenity was about to take over his mind, there was a light tap on his door. Jake rolled over, slightly annoyed.

"Come in."

The door squeaked open, and a small silhouette casted a shadow on Jake's wooden floor. Yellow light from the hallway seeped inside the room in the shape of a triangle, and Jaylnn's figure blocked out most of the glow.

"You were gone." Jaylnn's voice was thick, proof that he was close to tears. "You left, and he blamed me. You left me alone with him."

Jake was silent. If Jaylnn couldn't handle Jake's absence for two days, how could he survive without him until he was eighteen? Jake knew he was selfish. Although he loved his baby brother, his plan was already set. But maybe he could help Jaylnn before he left him forever.

"Jay-"

"Shut up, Jake! I don't need your apology! I know...I know what you're doing. I know. I've noticed the signs. You're gonna leave me. But I need you. You're my big brother and I need you. You can't leave me!" By now Jaylnn was sobbing. Jake sat up and walked over to his brother, his tears wet Jaylnn's hair as he held him in his arms. They stood like that for a while, both of them crying, before Jake broke the silence.

"Jaylnn. I love you. I always have. But...I can't. There's no other way." Jaylnn shook his head but otherwise remained silent. "I'm so sorry. And I'm not going to leave you with him. Your mother...she always loved you. Before she left, she gave me a box. She told me to hide it, and me being only four years old, I didn't ask any questions." Jake squeezed his eyes shut. "I found it the other day. It's for you. It's filled with pictures of her and letters from her to you. It has her phone number. I called her, and she's coming to get you tomorrow. Pack your things."

Jake sobbed as he rubbed Jaylnn's head, trying to appear nonchalant. Jaylnn said nothing, so Jake got the box from the top shelf of his closet and handed it to Jaylnn.

Jaylnn took the box. He looked confused.

"If she loved me...why'd she leave me?"

"I don't know, kiddo. Ask her about it." Jake wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"Can't you go with me?" Jaylnn's eyes begged Jake to live. It was no use. Jake was content with his decision.

"I can't."

•••

Sadly, this was the last time Jake saw his brother.

Yours Truly,
Quiet Observer.