Destined to be together

Hayley

He just kissed me, not on the lips but he still kissed me.

I let myself close my eyes for a moment and relived it about three times before I realized I hadn't moved.

He walked around the counter already and I still haven't moved. I was stuck, struck by a kiss that held the power to freeze me in time. It was a cursed kiss to mess with me.

It could've been friendly. Right?

The warm puddle in my stomach started to form flutters of something I was too familiar with around Lucas. I had shoved them down more every time we mentioned our friendship.

I hate that I can't control how I feel about him and no matter what I do I can't stop. I especially hate that  every time he comes into contact with me in any way, I have to restart the process.

I have to push the flutters in my stomach down to my legs and out from my feet. Far away from me, far away from this friendship.

Yet that probably friendly kiss made me think of so much more, hope for more. Wish for more between us. The thought of his soft lips on me, him parting my mouth with his.

I hate that I think this way when he probably doesn't think of me like this. I am making everything up in my head.

I hate that I want him, so bad. When I am almost entirely sure that the outing, he had with Viki was a date. He had to like her, and I couldn't come between the way of his happiness.

Not when he has done so much for me. He would hate me, if I imagined something that wasn't real between us just because he is a massive flirt. And if I confess how I feel I could crush this friendship. I could guilt trip him into being with me because of our past, because of the apartment.

He could not know how I felt.

"You gonna turn around soon?"

"Yes." I turned quickly.

His brown eyes met my green ones as he shamelessly stared. Stared like he knew my every thought, watched my every move, knew my every desire.

Every desire that includes him.

I turned and walked to table while I waited for the food.

It was selfish of me to want him; it was selfish because I wouldn't know what to do if I had him.

I don't understand true love, what I thought was love was hurt, pain and control. I don't know how to love someone properly.

It is selfish because he is too good for me.

He is everything Henry reminded me I wouldn't have that he wouldn't want. I was too big or too much too ugly and too needy, that no one else except henry would want me.

I couldn't have Lucas because he deserves better. Better than me he deserves someone like Viki. I hated that I still thought this way after henry is gone.

"What are you thinking about?"

When I look up, Lucas is watching me carefully. Trying to read me, read what I am in my head about.

"Nothing."

His gaze hardened a bit and he stared at me until I told the truth.

"Henry." My voice cracked a bit as I said his name out loud.

Lucas's gaze softened, he frowned a bit and looked down at the counter before returning his eyes to me.

"What about him?" Lucas doesn't know exactly what Henry did to me, he knows I didn't get treated well and got hurt but he didn't know the details. Nor have I told him any.