Hiding

Sometimes i think im over him..

sometimes i think i'm over him..

its always i'm left on read or delivered.
its a game of tennis i'm bound to lose every time.
he's bipolar,
i'm clinically depressed,
we're like two puzzle pieces you try and try to make fit but it just never works.
you're always missing a corner piece or a center piece.

i convince myself i'm over him,
and that i can find someone else,
and that i don't even deserve him,
but then i see him at school or get on a call with him and all those feelings rush back.

it feels like i'm playing a game of tug-of-war with me and myself.
one side is over him, and the other isn't ready to let go just yet.

which choice do i choose,
which is the right one?
i've grown up around girls getting boyfriends and crushes,
they got to gossip and gush over their boys, but for me it was never like that.
i was never ready for that.
we were too young, but nobody else thought that.

i felt pressured to fit in,
to have a crush,
to be bold,
to confess,
to get in a relationship,
it was nonstop.

these girls were moving so quick,
in 5th grade i jumped out of unicorn shirts and galaxy nightgowns
and started wearing tighter shirts, and short shorts.

i went from chapstick and ponytails to concealer, blush, highlighter, eyelash curler, mascara, eyeliner, and my hair constantly down because i thought he would like me better with it down.

i began picking out my insecurities,
stopping at nothing to get rid of them
or at least hide them,
just so i could get this boy's attention.

i covered my mouth when i laughed,
started shaving every week.
styling my hair a way i think he would like.

one day when i sent that message,
i began showering less,
avoided washing my face,
brushed my teeth every other day,
dishes piled up in my room,
i stayed in bed all day,
stayed up late at night talking to older kids,
trying to fill the hole in my heart.
my crave for love.

guilt set in,
i apologized for the message,
made up a stupid excuse,
of course blaming myself.

i was always a people pleaser,
always will be.

i'll always try my best to make sure i meet his expectations,

im trapped and can't seem to find my way out, and for some reason.. i'm not sure if i want to get out.