The whiffs of fate

CHAPTER SIX

I knock the door of the house, I don't have the keys, I gave them to Essal, when she came to check on mom
Essal opens the door, and the first thing she says after she saw my face is "Oh my God... Layla... What happened?... Look at your eyes girl...Were you crying?"
I cannot talk right now, because if I talk, I'll hurt Essal
The only words in my head right now are words to blame Essal for helping Owen, I want to yell at her, I want to punish her for what she did, because I really feel so angry at her
But I know that she didn't do anything wrong and in fact she gave me the opportunity to say to Owen what I had been avoiding saying for years
She unconsciously helped me to put an end to all this
I try to keep my anger inside me, I'm trying not to say anything that I will regret, I don't want to lose someone else this night
I look at Esal and I say "I'm fine, ignore how my eyes look like and why they look like this, don't let mom feel anything" 
My mom is sitting in the living room
"Hi mom" I say 
Mom says "Layla you came, welcome back sweetie, how was your day?"
"Good... " I answer her in one word, then I go to the bathroom before she asks something else, I feel like I can't lie anymore, and I'm going to start crying again, and I'm going to ruin this fake happiness atmosphere that I'm sure was hard to create. While I'm in the bathroom I heard mom says "Layla, wash your hands, let's eat"
We sat around the dinner table, the three of us, in silence, Essal remained silent from the moment we talked, and me, I'm not hungry, I don't have the mood of chit chat, I'm hardly sitting with them, it's just because, I don't wanna mom feels anything and I don't want to waste my mother's efforts in preparing all this food.
Mom cut the silence by saying "So, what's going on? Since you both  sat down, you didn't say a word, there must be something between you both"
Esaal says while she's smiling a big fake smile "No Aunt Evan, I let so much work on Layla, when I came to check on you, that's why Layla is mad of me, I think..."
I don't say any word...
But mom turns her head towards me and says "You don't have to worry about me that much, Layla,I know how to take care of myself, remember, I am the one who took care of you until you reach what you reach now"
"No, you didn't take care of me mom, because while I was growing up, while I needed someone to support me and pushes me to the right way, you were overwhelmed with your absurd sadness over a person who did not deserve to shed a single tear for him. What I am now is because of me, because of my struggles, because of my efforts, I took care of myself, I used to do your duties mom"
I wish I can say all of this, I wish I could bring out everything in my heart right now and say it without regret so I could rest.
But I choose to ignore this talk inside of my head and I choose to say instead in a calm voice "Now it's my turn to take care of you mom"
I get up from the table "I'm full, I'll go to rest, good night" I say
I head towards my room with tears in my eyes, I enter my room and lay on the bed, I put my arm on my head to cover my face, my eyes exactly
While I'm trying to calm me down, I heard the door opens, she's Essal, she comes and sits besides me, she puts her hand on my shoulder and says "Hey, Layla... What's going on? Is it about Owen? Did he do or say something that hurts you?..."
I get up of the bed, I tried hard to make Essal out of this, but I couldn't, I don't want to take out my anger on her, but the opposite of what I want happens
I'm angrily looking at Essal
I say "This is the last time you interfere in my relationships, do you hear me?
It's not about Owen, it's about me, I told you that I don't want anyone in my life, I'm not able to love anyone, you planned for my meeting with Owen to make things right between us, but that meeting was awful, I had to tell him everything, I explained what I had to explain to him in a hurtful way.
You put me in a bad position Essal, I wasn't ready to face him, the restaurant was full of people, I rejected him in the presence of so many people, they were watching us Essal... I felf bad for him, you made me the evil
I'm not the bad person Essal, am I? I just want to protect myself... I shouldn't have let you come here instead of me... "
Essal pulls me to her hug, she hugs me even though that I blamed her for what happened
Essal says "I'm sorry Layla, I didn't mean to cause you all this pain, I'm really sorry..."
We heard mom calling me, Essal gets up so quickly she says to me "Layla, I have to go, I'll tell Aunt that you slept, so she won't see you crying, and I'm so sorry"
She kisses me on the forehead then she left...
I lay on my bed again trying to stop my brain thinking about all the crap I went through today...
Until I fall asleep...