lxxviii. panic attacks

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JUNGWON FELT NUMB.

He didn't know how long he sat at Reverend Yang's heavy oak desk, eyes blank on the monitor screen before him even after he'd finished scouring the footage.

What is the appropriate reaction to finding out that your father is a murderer?

Suddenly, he heard footsteps just outside the door to the office. There was nothing he could do about the plants still on the table, but in one swift movement, Jungwon ejected the tiny card from the computer and tucked it into his pants pocket where the others were.

"Son?" The Reverend strode inside, bushy brows furrowed at the sight of his son. "What are you doing here?" His tense expression gave way to an easy smile. "You need more forms signed? That's the only time you visit me," he chided playfully, a twinkle in his eye.

Jungwon felt nauseous.

At his prolonged silence, the Reverend placed a large hand on his son's shoulder. "Jungwon. Are you alright?"

"Did you have to kill her?" Jungwon blurted.

For the first time since his father arrived, Jungwon looked him straight in the eye. And if there'd been any doubt in his mind about what the cameras had picked up, about what the truth was, it all disappeared when he saw the expression that flashed across his father's face. It was only there for a moment, but it was enough.

"What are you talking about?" the Reverend asked, but his tone was colder than Jungwon had ever heard it.

"Xu Meijin." Jungwon got up. It felt like he was outside of his own body as he turned his back on his father and walked to the balcony. He paused at the railing, glanced down into the river below. "I saw you. You pushed her. From here. Why?"

Jungwon's father stared. He seemed to be weighing his responses. Jungwon could see that he wanted to ask how he knew, but that would be a confirmation, so he couldn't. He stood very still, regarding his son in complete silence.

"Were you afraid?" Jungwon's heart hammered wildly against his chest, but he fought to keep his voice neutral. "Because she knew about you and Yeseul?"

"Son." The word whooshed out of the Reverend's lips in one breath. "You're mistaken."

"But I saw it, Dad."

"How?"

Jungwon ignored the question. "What did Yeseul have that Mom doesn't?" He hated the way his voice broke at the end.

The Reverend took a tentative step closer, as if afraid to spook Jungwon. "Son."

"Why did you have to kill a girl just because she knew? She was only a year older than me." Jungwon's hand gripped the railing so tightly that his knuckles turned bone-white. "You were there when she was found in the river! You had just prayed for Jiana-"

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