perfect for me | sookook

12

Letting it hurt

It makes him feel guilty.

The feeling just don't sit at the bottom of his stomach. It consumes him, eats him up from inside and out, making it harder and harder for him to do so much as look at Tzuyu, let alone hold a conversation with her, beacuse he is burning, burning in hell, where he belongs beacuse fuck, Jungkook, you knew how terrified she is of people leaving her.

She told him so one night, midway through their silent overthinking when the two of them drove down to the beach at half past midnight. It was unplanned and stupid, neither of them were dressed well for the cold bite of air. But they stayed, right there under the stars, their hair, clothes and skin picking up sand neither of them bothered to dust off.

"I mean it, Jungkook" Tzuyu was telling him. "I don't deserve you as much as she does,"

"Tzuyu-" he tries to stop her, his voice merely above a whisper.

She tried to suppress her tears by biting down on her lips. Now looking away from Jungkook completely, unable to maintain her posture the first tear had rolled down her cheeks. She took a deep breath.

"I'm letting you g-go, Jungkook. Beacuse I can't live happily bearing Jisoo's tears on my back and I won't!" She reached over to trace something on his face. Her touch was feather light, but his skin burned where her skin met. "I'm letting you go beacuse I know, you need it. I'm letting you go beacuse it's the right thing to do and I'm letting you go beacuse it now hits me hard that you were not mine to begin with so I could hold onto"

That's how he got here, naturally. He messed up his sleep all these two weeks, spend days wallowing up in his misery, until Tzuyu came marching into his room, throwing the covers off him, telling him to get dressed without giving him room to protest. She was mad at him, mad at the way he was dealing this situation.

Tzuyu stares at Jungkook, who haven't even move an inch from the place he have been in. She stopped midway, dropping her luggage to walk back to Jungkook.

"Jungkook,"

"Hm?" He was dozing out, but now looking all attentive to Tzuyu- anytime ready to hear her. And she smiles, not the happiest but a soft one.

"I will call you, okay?" Jungkook just nods emotionless as he was about to get down from the car. But she stops him, standing firm against the cardoor, he looks up at her trying to read the situation.

"I will be fine alone, you can return back." She says and notices how his face fall but she was so determined about her choice. "We aren't going through this again Jungkook. I thought we were clear about the things I talked about."

Jungkook nods his head, wiping away his tears. But he wanted to scream loudly rather than crying bearing all the things messing up his head. "It's not that easy"

"Why not?"

"Tzuyu,"

"It was easy abandoning her so why it is hard for you to abandon me? If it was easy to leave her, it should be easier to leave me. If loving me was reckless, loving her again should be too."

Jungkook looks up, surprised. "It was never been easy to begin with. Neither leaving her was or loving you was, Tzuyu." She stood emotionless this time. "And do you know why I'm so pathetic now?"

Jungkook stares at her, crying all messly, tears falling constantly. "You, beacuse of you!" He sniffs wiping off his nose. "After crying on my misery for the past 1 month, when I thought I could finally collect myself to become a Jungkook that you wanted- You said, 'No, Jungkook. She deserves you better. Get her for yourself, keep her forever by yourside," He laughs, remembering that scene clear as few seconds ago.

"If it was that easy, life would have been so peaceful." Jungkook scoffs. "Tzuyu, I bought you here becuase you wanted to meet my family and you're going back beacuse you want it. Now you want me to get Jisoo back, after all the hell I let her through. Seriously? Do you really think that it is easy?

They let that silence stay for a moment before Tzuyu was heard taking a deep breath. "I never needed you to become what I wanted, Jungkook. I just needed you to be the man who once loved Jisoo endlessly, who once showed her the beautiful future. I just needed you to stay, stay whenever I was upset, stay whenever I longed for you, stay whenever I was crying over seeing you fighting to love me more than her,"

Jungkook's breath hitched. Oh, she knew.

But he didn't look up to meet her eyes. Just the realization setting in his messed mind and heart making them along with him feel more vulnerable.

"Yes, I was selfish." Her voice wavered. "Selfish to the extend I be oblivious to you struggling to get used with me, I just watched you paining over losing Jisoo. I pretended I didn't notice anything related to her happening in your life, Jungkook. Beacuse I was so selfish to let you go when I had gone though a lot before I had you. I was afraid of losing someone again after mom."

She was a crying mess by now. Yet Jungkook didnt tried to calm her down. He sat at the seat holding the carwheel motionless as he was a statue who breaths.

"But what changed now, right?" She questions, as if that's what Jungkook wanted to ask what he wanted to know from her. "Now I saw not only you but her. Two people longing badly for each other, so close yet couldn't reach out, so broken but couldn't break apart and I was there- right between them as an unwanted barrier who they both never thought once will be there."

She wipes away her dry tears, picking up her luggage. "My mother once told me, it's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on,"

She turns away from him but her walk had came to halt before it even started. She smiles at Jungkook eventhough he wasn't at all looking at her.

Letting go sounds easy, but as human beings it's probably the most hardest thing we'll ever have to do. It takes an immense courage to say goodbye to someting that means a lot to you  or to someone. But you can't keep holding onto something for so long. If you do, the misery will build up in your heart and start running through you veins until it consumes you.

I won't let that happen, mom. I won't

"If I ever thought of coming back here, I wanna see nothing but her beside you. But if you fail, I would never forgive you, Jungkook. Good bye,"

Jungkook didn't tilt his head that way to see her departure neither did Tzuyu looked back. There was two people parting ways even before they realize for what they even crossed paths other than to get hurt.