Take Courage, My Heart

Chapter Nineteen

The drive back was a muted smudge of grayish blue and the hint of the sunrise. I had seen the sunrise only a few times in my entire life. I was mostly a night person, waking up and falling asleep too late to be considered healthy. My older brother and I were the exact opposites in that regard. The perks of waking up late used to be that there was always coffee ready when I did. Either my brother or one of my parents would have some brewed.

I grimaced and pressed my body closer to the car's window. My breath hit the glass and started to fog it up, but I didn't pull away and I didn't blink, even as my eyes lost focus of the horizon and started stinging.

Annerose was talking to Leander. She was telling him something about the vampires we had killed. She was asking him about the two elders. They had both been feeding when he slipped into their room and killed them. The first one didn't have a chance to react. He had died instantaneously. The one he had shot right next to me had been surprised but ready to fight for his life.

One of my hands was resting against my ribs, where I had been punched. The spot didn't hurt any longer and my memory of it was fading. But it had been the same side as the last time I had hurt my ribs and at this point it was more of a reflex, to reach for the spot and brush my fingers against it. It was like running my tongue over the empty spot a tooth had left behind.

"Are you still in pain?" Leander asked, reaching out and brushing his fingers over my knuckles.

"No, I'm fine," I said quietly.

His expression wilted at my tone and guilt twisted my gut. My shitty mood was not Leander's or Annerose's fault. They hadn't forced me to do this. I had wanted to kill vampires. Vampires who were like me who had thoughts, opinions, and lives like I had. Sure, they were blood-hungry, and they kidnapped and killed humans –in the same way I had been taken and bitten and in the end killed. Sure, they were worse people than I was. But that did not make my actions have any less consequences. That human probably had a family. Those vampires also could have had a family, as Annerose did. Like I do.

"Biting someone's head off was easier than I thought it would be," I said, my voice suddenly too loud in the small space we were sharing. "Actually, well– I hadn't thought about it. I hadn't thought about whether it would be a hard thing to do."

Leander looked back at Annerose through the rearview mirror. I ignored whatever they were saying to each other through that look and continued staring off into the horizon. The little slither of light that was shining up was so pretty and soft.

"I hadn't thought about so many things. I don't..." A dry laugh escaped me, and I shook my head. I wanted to snap out of this. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," Leander quickly said. Annerose's hand came to rest on my shoulder, and I heard her shuffle closer until the side of her face was right next to my bicep.

"You did good, Jesse," she said.

We were so close to getting back home. I understood now why Keisuke did not want to go in nests. You didn't really have time to think, while you were in there. There was no time for you to sit back and consider who you were hitting; who you were killing. But in the aftermath, I had seen their faces. After the high of the adrenaline died down, your brain started working again and you saw faces, not fangs and scary eyes. They were young. They were my age and my sister's age. And because they were dwellers– they were newly turned. Like I was.

We drove down into the parking lot and Leander parked the car. For a second I reveled in the silence. Both of them gave me this moment. I got out of the car first, and they followed. We didn't say anything on our way up and Annerose was the first to enter the penthouse, muttering quietly that she would go to sleep and giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek before she took off. Leander went to the computer room to leave his gun and I stood in the dark hallway, with my back pressed into the wall. I didn't want to go upstairs on my own. The healed-up scar in my arm was throbbing.