insubordinate (gwynriel)

10

In the aftermath of their rendezvous with Feyre and Rhysand, Gwyn found herself blushing in the mirror, turquoise eyes wide and distressed. Her cheeks were flushed pink, and she noted the darkened mark on her collarbone that must have been a result of Rhysand sucking on her skin. Her fingers trailed up to touch her lips, remembering the way they had felt between Feyre's legs and against Rhysand's mouth. She was afraid to see them again- afraid it would be awkward or weird now that they'd blurred so many lines.

"Berdara, stop overthinking," Az grumbled from his room, attached to the bathroom she stood in. Gwyn couldn't help but smile at the way he'd known what she was doing and feeling without even seeing her. Perhaps she was predictable, but she'd prefer to assume it was because he'd learned her so well through their time together.

Gwyn turned and walked back into the room. Az lay on his back with his arms tucked behind his head, making his arm muscles flex in the most delicious way. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his tan torso, marked with tattoos that swirled down his arms, led down to wear his boxer short hung low on his hips. A trail of dark hair started at his navel and disappeared under his shorts.

"How did you know?" She asked, climbing up the bed from the footboard, settling herself between his legs, folding her hands underneath her chin and resting them on his chest so that they were nearly nose-to-nose.

"Lucky guess," he said, fighting a smile. He tucked a strand of her copper hair behind her ears, and she hummed pleasantly, eyes fluttering closed for a moment.

"Will it be weird now? With Rhys and Feyre?" She asked, trying to sound less anxious about it than she was, and failing miserably. His hand cupped the side of her face lovingly and she leaned into his touch.

"No, sweetheart," he said softly.

"How do you know?" She chewed her lip.

He looked uncomfortable.

"Er... Um, I have, uh, joined them before?" He said, wincing as if expecting a very negative reaction from her. A pit formed in her stomach, and she tried to push it away. When she was included, the idea of sharing him was erotic. But the idea of him ever doing things like that without her made her nauseous. She knew it was unfair, so she tried to hide it.

"Oh," she said, nodding and not quite meeting his eyes.

"Little Priestess," Azriel prompted, raising his eyebrows.

"Hmm?" She asked, distracted now with invasive thoughts of other females kissing his skin and tasting him, dragging those same noises from him that she had. Her imagination ran wild with the need to further her fears.

"What's going on in here?" He asked, tapping his finger lightly against her temple.

"What do you mean?" She asked obliviously.

"I can see the anxiety and fear all over your face, Gwyn," he murmured, his thumb grazing her cheeks sweetly. "Talk to me." She searched his eyes for a few moments, trying to decipher whether or not he really meant it, but she found no signs of him being disingenuous.

"Our... relationship," she cleared her throat awkwardly, "um, it's sometimes a little hard for me." His brows furrowed in concern, and she could see the thoughts swirling behind his eyes as he tried to figure out what he should say.

"In what ways?"

"Well, um," she sighed. "I liked what we did last night, but the idea of you ever doing that without me makes my insides twist. I know that isn't fair and that you warned me to not fall for you, but I'm just having trouble. I hate it when you leave me. I feel like part of me goes with you and I never feel right again until you're back."

He looked troubled, and he didn't speak, but she could tell he was thinking hard.

"I know you have promised me nothing. I never intended for this to happen, it just did, and I can't stop it. I-... I understand if you can't feel the same, I know you told me you don't do this sort of relationship. I'm sorry for complicating things." He opened his mouth and then closed it like he'd thought better of what he'd started to say. He wouldn't meet her eyes. He looked like he was in pain.

Gwyn felt the weight of his lack of answer like a dagger to the heart. She felt like she couldn't quite breathe properly. Her ears started ringing and she blinked rapidly before she scrambled off of Azriel and off the bed. She felt dizzy.

"Gwyn," he pleaded, but she could barely hear him. She knew she had to get out of here, and quickly. She tugged on her jacket and shoes as quickly as she could, making sure not to look back at him. She couldn't hear his rejection speech, not now.

"Gwyn, please," he tried to reason, but she was up and storming out the door, slinging Azriel's bedroom door shut behind her as she bolted down the hall. She was fairly certain she heard some semblance of him attempting to follow her, but she couldn't see him right now. She felt panic rising in her throat like bile.

She busted into the library, breathing ragged and desperate. She looked around wildly, trying to think of where she should hide until she gathered her bearings. She contemplated for two moments before she careened down the library steps. Down and down and down she went, the darkness slowly enveloping her as she neared the portion of the library few dared to venture to.

This library was the first home Gwyn had ever known. She was certain no part of it, no matter how dark, could scare her. She felt the benevolence of the House toward her and remembered Nesta's stories of how she'd befriended the residence. Gwyn hoped that friendship extended to her as well.

She stopped on a dim level, booking it to the back where she knew couches were tucked in a fairly hidden corner. When she got there, she collapsed onto the couch, hugging her legs to her body and resting her chin on her knees as she felt the hot, salty tears begin to drench her cheeks.

She had been so stupid. She'd known what his answer would be and had let hope and childish infatuation blind her to the reality. He'd not taken her on a date after the first one and had only sought her out when he wanted her body. She was beyond foolish for interpreting his after-sex affection as anything more than just that. Hells, last night had only even happened because he'd taken the sex potion. Would he still have been with Rhys and Feyre had she not been there?

She didn't know how she would do it, but she knew she had to end things. Continuing the way they were now would only leave her heartbroken and empty. She promised herself that she wouldn't allow him to hurt her any more than he already had. They were acquaintances at best, and they'd gotten too familiar.

The tears on her skin were the distinct proof of her mistakes. She squeezed her eyes shut and let the pain out in choked sobs. She'd felt so alone for so much of her life and had allowed the secret parts of herself to hope that she'd finally found someone who understood her- but that was child's thinking. Azriel didn't have time for her. He'd told her that himself, and she'd ignored his warnings.

She cried until she felt better, and then pulled herself together, wiping her cheeks and straightening her back as she walked back to her room, knowing she was strong enough to get over him. She would take it day by day and she would be okay. She had to be.