We'll Meet Again...I Know When || Bucky Barnes x Reader

37 || Couples' Counseling

From the moment you walked through that door, you swore to yourself that you'd be turning a completely new leaf. You tried. You really did try, making every effort you could to fix things with Bucky from giving him space to showing him boundless patience despite his cruel attitude, but at some point, you just have to accept that you're standing at a dead end. It takes two to fix a relationship, and if only one person is putting in the effort, then it's due time for you to move on...which is far easier said than done.

The last few days have blended together into a muddy mess of somehow feeling incredibly busy yet empty all at the same time. Probably because you've done little else than sit in your apartment wallowing away in your own self-pity.

There's just so many emotions whirling inside your mind right now - too many contradicting thoughts to properly keep track of, although some do manage to stick out better than others:

First of all, you're angry. You're angry at Bucky for how he's treated you and what he dared to say to you. How could he stand there acting like you're the problem when you've done nothing but support him? When you've never failed to put his emotions and well being above your own? Does he think this is easy for you, trying to balance two lives at once?

It's not like you asked to be reborn with your past memories - Why does everyone seem to forget that?! You didn't have to involve yourself with anything or anyone from your past! You could've lived a nice, simple life as (Y/n) (L/n) if only you had just learned to bury these pesky memories along with their previous owner...

Maybe life on the sidelines would've been better for you. Maybe if you had just put more effort into pretending to be satisfied with your nameless life, you wouldn't have been so hurt - at least that's what you can always keep telling yourself.

Commit to the role forever and you would've been an average joe whose top stressors in life are performance reviews and rising rent pieces. Tony's death would've been no different than that of a distant relative you met once decades ago. Steve's retirement that of an old coworker who operated in a separate department...And if you somehow became aware of Bucky's survival, he might as well have been an ex from way back when - a fling, if you will.

...But that's what really bothers you about all of this. You didn't get involved with your past because of some itch to be someone again. Honestly, you could care less about being known as 'Holiday Stark'. She's gone with her skeleton rotting six feet beneath the ground. You never wanted her name again. You just wanted the people she loved back.

You loved Tony, and Steve, and Bucky...Want to know what makes it worse? You still love Bucky. Even as you lay in a depressive state, alone in the darkness of your apartment all thanks to the hurtful things he said to shatter your heart. Even though you know he doesn't love you anymore, as his behavior has made so painfully obvious...You just can't get rid of your love for him.

It's not fair. It's never been fair! Hollie still holds a portion of his heart, however he simply refused to see you as her. It disgusts him to put you both in the same light, but have you really changed all that much? You're still you! You're the same person he fell head over heels for in the '40s! The same one he trusted enough to run away with after escaping HYDRA! The same one he spent hours video calling from Wakanda because every second apart felt like torture! How can all of that suddenly mean nothing to him while still meaning everything to you?!

If only Steve or Natasha were still around...You could really use a shoulder to cry on right now. Hell, Tony was never the best at "comfort", but at least he'd do his best by offering bad jokes and snacks after he finishes trying to kill Bucky, that is.

You don't have anyone to turn to anymore - no one who would understand, anyway. Your family doesn't know the truth and, well, you're pretty limited in the friend department these days. Steve, Natasha, and Tony are all dead. King T'Challa's dead. You won't bother Suri or Peter, they're literal teenagers who don't need anymore crap put on their shoulders...Is Doctor Strange your friend? No, probably not, you've talked, like, twice, and all the other Avengers are no-goes for similar reasons...Geeze, you really are alone in all this, aren't you?