Suicide Lane Cafe

Prozac Nation

The suitcase was heavy as I dragged it up to my room. Nobody'd told me that people were supposed to be in a week before school actually started, so I'd arrived the night before the first day. Clearly that week is all for partying. Partying and drinking. 

That's what college is, really. Drunken sorority girls rubbing themselves on other drunken people and couples groping in shadows and carpets the colour of piss and shitty flat beer because nobody could afford the good stuff. I kicked my room door open and struggled in, looking at some dreadlocked girl who was sitting on the stained carpet smoking a joint. 

My roommate's name was Ant, or at least that's what she said. The room smelled like puke and marijuana and piss and the carpet had some suspicious stains on it. Apparently somebody had designated room 104 as the official party centre of the dorm, so who was I to complain?

Ant was friendly enough, I suppose, or that could've been the weed talking. She laughed at everything I did, including throwing the suitcase onto the creaky yellowed bed. I rifled through my belongings before pulling out the things I needed for tomorrow and tossing the case aside. Unpacking could wait, and besides, the room smelled like shit.

Ant was getting the munchies, so she left in search for late night grub. Standing up she towered over me by nearly two feet, even in my combat boots and her bare feet. I couldn't bring myself to be intimidated by her though. She smiled dazedly too much. I might have to change the opinion for when she wasn't high as shit. 

Without Ant the room suddenly seemed a lot smaller than it was. I changed my shoes to more comfortable sneakers and padded outdoors for a smoke or two, buying weak coffee on the way and flavouring it with Nescafe to mask the taste of plastic cups. Room 104 was conveniently on the top floor of the dorms, so I walked outside to the roof rather than going all the way downstairs just for a fag. 

Outside there were already two boys puffing away and chatting quietly. I stayed away from them and fumbled in the thick coat for my Winstons. It was a struggle getting the lighter to work when my fingers were numb, but after a few attempts the lighter caught and I dragged on the cigarette, alternating between wispy clouds of cigarette smoke and the little white puffs of breath. 

The first boy left first, leaving the second to continue smoking in silence. I sidled closer to him and examined him from my peripheral. He wasn't too bad, pretty cute in a preppy sort of way. His name was Michael.

"You just got here?"

"Yup. About an hour ago."

"Cool. Where'd you come up from?"

"Eldermill," I replied, wishing he'd hurry up and skip on to the falling in love and romantic sunset dinners already. There was nothing worse than being alone and lonely at the same time. Being disattached from everyone including your parents does fuck up one's system a little, particularly when everyone you've ever met radiated snotty disapproval at your no-lifer drifter status.

Michael fidgeted a little and nearly dropped his cigarette in the process. "I know someone from Eldermill," he said contemplatively. "Sarah, I think her name was. Haven't thought about her for a while." 

"Yeah, I know Sarah," I lied. Michael fidgeted again and glanced at his watch. 

"Fuck, I gotta get going. My girlfriend's waiting for me at a pool party."

Of course, the fabled girlfriend every attractive male I met spoke of. Suddenly Michael didn't seem so interesting anymore, the visions of romantic make-out sessions and Italian dinners dissipating into the craggy corners of my mind. Lovely, Michael, I hope you drown then. 

He gave his number to me anyway - as though I wanted the number of a kid with a girlfriend - and left. After Michael bailed I lit up another cigarette and blew smoke rings into the frgid darkness. The roof was a nice place to be, honestly. There wasn't any view to speak of, considering it was the butt of the dorm and was more of a balcony than an actual open roof, but it was surrounded on all sides by bare trees that shook snow-covered branches at me and nobody gave enough of a shit to go on the roof. It was too cold and empty for most people. Personally I thought there was something romantic in steel shrouded in snow.

I ground the cigarette beneath my feet and left for my room. It was still early but I wasn't in much of a mood for anything, so I figured I would just lie on the stained sheets and convince myself to sleep. Ant still hadn't returned. She was probably smoking another joint, or devouring every snack the stripped down vending machines in this place offered. 

My bed was closer to the window. I stripped to an oversized shirt and sat on the bed, digging through my knapsack to retrieve a small container of pills. I swallowed a couple of Prozac and lay on the bed breathing puke fumes. Kicking off my shoes, I lay back on my bed and stared out the grimy window where a small shard of moonlight offered a blurry view of the college building.