Suicide Lane Cafe

sweet pea

when i was a kid i thought that adulthood would be:

brownie mixes in waffle makers and ice cream at nine in the morning just because; staying in bed all day because yes no school; being able to buy a popsicle without asking mum for a dollar; beating everyone else at basketball and monkey bars because i'm finally taller and bigger; wearing whatever i wanted instead of that stupid polka-dot dress that itched at the collar; hanging out after dark with my friends playing; writing that dragon-ninja-samurai story I've always wanted to write

instead, this is what i received: 

stale sandwiches and cold coffee wolfed down while rushing to work; the ghosts of university haunting in the form of missed calls and unopened bills; showers at the Y because the water's been cut off and you're too stubborn to crawl home for money; realizing you no longer have time for hobbies and even if you did they're too childish anyway; strict dress codes that smell like starch and the tears of a thousand hippies; watching old friendships fracture and break; looking at the journal you haven't touched in ten years 

and I realize: 

i have become an adult without noticing it; i am watching my innocence get crumpled alongside pastel frocks and Peter Pan leggings; my elementary school classmate is getting married in a month and giving birth in five; i am lying to my parents that yes, I'm happy because no child wants to be a disappointment; yesterday i got drunk alone and fell asleep at the park i used to play in as a child

and it turns out growing up and dying are really synonyms.