The James Family

Sorrows (2)

It had been almost two hours since Spencer informed his wife about her mom's passing. Olivia sobbed so much that she eventually dosed off. Shortly after she dosed off Spencer decided to go tell the kids.

Spencer
I walked down the staircases, the kids are all still in the living room. Just as i walk into the living room naya turns her attention to me.

"Daddy...is mommy okay?" She asked concerned.

Taking a deep breath i responded "she'll be okay babygirl. Alright listen up I need to have a word with all of you".

"Does anyone here know what death is, or understands the concept of death?"

"We do!" The triplets responded simultaneously.

"Ari explain what death is to your little brother" In all honesty this whole thing is pointless I'm just trying to stall the bad news. My kids love their nanna's. We haven't lost a loved one since they were born. This is their first encounter with loss. And its with someone so close I don't know how they're gonna take it and I'm not ready to see it.

"Bubba death is when someone leaves forever" she says pulling her brother on her lap.

Confused he asked "Where do they go?"

"To heaven...with Jesus you know Jesus right" I respond.

"I know him daddy!! He's very nice" he says with a smile. And my heart breaks for him. As our last born he's the closest to both their grannies. And he's so young I don't think he'll be able to fully grasp the tragedy and I don't think he'll be able to express his emotions well.

"Come here buddy" I pull him closer to myself and give him a hug. I don't know if this is my way of comforting him or comforting myself but I can't seem to let go.

"So...Grandma Laura went to live with Jesus in heaven this afternoon. She's no longer with us but she's always with us in spirit giving each one of us her big warm huggs" my heart is pounding, my facade is on the verge of breaking, as i wait for a response. Its like watching a car crash in slow motion.

" what!!!, Noo!!" And they all ran up to me seeking some sort of comfort. I grabbed all four of them together and squeezed them.

"It's gonna be okay" is literally the only thing I can say at this point. I know its not gonna be anytime soon but it really is gonna be okay.

The sobbing continues and I feel defeated. Nobody has control over this but I'm hurting for my family more than myself. I feel so helpless.

"Listen look at me, it's gonna be okay...okay, mommy is not doing so well and I need all of us to be good for mommy. If you need something call me. I don't want us to stress mommy out alright." I say while wiping their tears moving from one face to the other. Which is useless because by the time i get to the next one fresh tears are going down the others face.

Right then I receive a text on my phone, its Olivia.

Spencer?
Are you home?

I'm downstairs baby do you need something?

Please come here

" I'm going upstairs I'll be back soon, if anybody needs something text me from your ipad alright?"
__________________
"How you feeling Love?" I asked as I walked into our room.

No response

"Liv??" Finally she turns around and sat up straight. My wife's beautiful big brown eyes are bloodshot red and swollen she could barely open them. At this point I don't know what to do with myself seeing her like this is unbearable. She didn't utter a single word, all she did was raise her arms signalling that she wanted me to give her a hug. I responded immediately and pulled her into my arms. We stayed like this for a while, silent, just the sounds of sniffles.

"I can't be left alone...please don't leave me alone" she says as I let go so i can see her face. We've been together for over 10 years and I have never seen my wife like this. Instinctively my heart stars pounding again. I don't know what's the meaning of this but I'm actually really nervous rn I can't lie.

"What's going on baby?" She doesn't even look into my eyes and I caress her cheeks while wiping her tears away. "I'm right here, talk to me Liv".

"I've been awake for a good 30 minutes before I called you up here. I'm trying Spencer I'm trying to digest all of this and I just can't." She sniffles wiping her own tears.

"Come here" she moved closer and I pulled her on my chest, held her and started rocking us back and forth while pecking her forehead. "It's gonna take sometime baby, don't rush yourself into fully digesting everything right now. Some days are gonna be easier than others. And its very normal to be stuck in a denial emotional loop like the one you're in right now. Just talk to me what's going on in my wife's beautiful head, let me in Love."

"I don't know...that's what's scaring me, I don't know what's going on in my head but I know its not safe, I don't wanna be left alone Spencer"

Worried is an understatement of how I'm feeling right now, I'm scared for my wife. "Sobriety?"

"No..."

My fears being confirmed. My eyes stared tearing up. " sui.."

"I don't know" She responded abruptly before I could even finish the word. And she shrugged her shoulders.

I know my wife, independent, she allows a situation to be advanced before she tells me, she never tell me something prematurely and the fact that she's telling me this right now means she's probably in a very dark place and petrified  .

" Listen, I need you here, our babies need you here, you're twin brother needs you here. No matter the severity of those thoughts babe I need you to promise me you'll never go through with it". I say selfishly because I know I wouldn't survive a day without her. "Please Olivia...Please" she nods and I stare at her "say it...".

Silence

"Babe.."

"I promise" I exhale a breath I didn't even know I was holding. "We'll get you the help you need baby, I'll be here through it all" and I kiss her forehead.

"Thank you Spencer, you have no idea how much you being here for me makes the burden a little less heavy to carry, I couldn't have asked for a better husband". She starts crying again.

"Shh baby I'm your husband, you're my first priority, no need to thank me, I love you"

"I love you...I love you so much" and she kisses my cheek.

" I know we spoke about this earlier and you refused but Olivia we have to go to your parents place, your brother..."

"No!!!" "Noo!!" I'm not going there right now I can't."

"I hear you baby but you're brother needs you. And by the look of things you need him too. As much as I'm here for you, and he's with Simone nobody has the connection you guys have with one another." I say caressing her back.

"I'm not ready Spencer can we please go tomorrow. I don't even know what I'm gonna tell my babies"

"It's okay, we'll go tomorrow then. I'll call him now and let him know. Don't worry about the kids I already told them."

"How did they take it??" Her tone laced with concern.

" not well, especially...bubba"

"Can he come here please". And I did as requested.

"Mommy..?" He said standing by the door his eyes bloodshot red as well. I could physically see the look of defeat in my wife's face. I decided to give them their space. And went to the room next door, far enough but close enough.

To be continued...