Everything Is Blue

Chapter 36

Bud Flud may have had too much coffee and lost himself in that morning's disjointed thoughts. Would Kimbra want to stay in Alaska? Permanently? What if she didn't want to go back to St. Canard? Would she abandon him? Would she drop their relationship and leave him?

Stop. Don't you dare think like that.

But what if she wants to go back? Stay with you? Surely, she hadn't changed her mind yet again.

Right now, he depended on the latter.

Because if she hadn't, he didn't know what he'd do with himself. It wouldn't be good. Not one bit.

Having some semblance of a family ripped out of his grasp, slipping through his fingers like sand. It made his chest ache. It felt like that time Harrison told him that 'if he acted like that one more time, young man, you're never going to see that uncle of yours again.'

He couldn't lose Rufus, just like he couldn't lose Kimbra. Or Adam, no matter how annoying the Samoyed could get. Because as much as he would rather not admit it to himself, as scary as it was to admit it to himself... Bud genuinely liked the Wulfe family.

And if that wasn't a terrifying thought, Bud didn't know what was.

He felt like he only had one chance to make himself count. And even though that first chance, that Very First Chance and Impression had passed by in a blur that was that week- Bud was still scared.

Scared, because losing this family was as simple as a screw-up on his part. And his life had been nothing but screw-ups. Sometimes he felt like his father still controlled aspects of his life- the give and take of everything. Except he didn't... and Bud Bernard Flud really, really couldn't shake off the feeling.

Bud inhaled deeply, trying to get his mind in order (not that it's ever worked before).

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Just breathe. You know how to do that, right? Of course you do, it's your natural instinct to breathe, moron.

He tried his damnedest to shake the thoughts from his head. He did, truly he did. It's why he had made a sudden beeline for the bathroom. To pull himself together before they left. How embarrassing. He couldn't even say goodbye to a family he just met without being a baby about it.

Harrison was definitely right about you. You're an embarrassment who can't keep his emotions in check. Grow up, Flud.

Bud splashed his face with cold water, running his wet hands through his hair. Glanced up at the mirror at his reflection. Frowned. He was rather unimpressed with his own face, sometimes. It looked as miserable as he felt at that moment. The dark circles under his eyes, the lines that formed at the ends of his mouth.

He was tired. Physically and mentally.

The canine felt his eyes start to water. He blinked back the tears, willing them to not fall.

Jesus Christ.

He rested his elbows on the sink, and pressed his face into his hands.

For all intents and purposes, Bud Flud was a burden. He was a burden to his parents. All he had ever done was embarrass them and brought shame upon the family name. He was a burden to AJ and Colin. He had abandoned both of them for selfish reasons. And Colin suffered for it. He burdened Kimbra with his long list of issues. He didn't understand why she even bothered to stay. Why she expressed so much of her affection for him. Or why she did so much for him and had invited him to meet her family.

Worst of all, in his mind, he didn't give anything back.

"Are you ready to go?" A soft voice on the other side of the door startled Bud from his bubble of self-pity. He didn't want her seeing him like this. It'd only worry her, and he'd be even more of a burden than he already was.