Everything To Lose

Chapter Nine

I wake slowly, afraid to move my head - or even open my eyes - for fear of the repercussions of yesterday's antics. God what was I thinking going on an all day bender, at least I think it was all day. I rack my brain trying to remember the last thing that happened but everything goes blank after the two men came over and offered to buy us a drink. When Ruby sprayed one in the face with the contents of her mouth and I cracked up laughing at her reaction I think they decided we were strange and left but then nothing.

The pillow shuffles and moans and my heart beat rockets when I realise it isn't a pillow that I am lying on, it a person, Oh God it's too hard to be Ruby. Maybe the men didn't leave, the could of thought spitting fuzzy navel at them was cute, maybe I left with somebody else. Oh God, Oh shit.

Right, don't panic.... just open one eyes very, very slowly and check your surroundings. I am pleased to find I am in my own room but then it hits me that so is the strange man and he's naked if the jeans and shirt at the end of my bed mean anything. I had sex with a strange man, brought said strange man to my apartment and I don't even know his name. He's moans again and snuggles into me, I can't take no more. I jump out of the bed like it is a pit of snakes and turn to face him. No I can't, what if he's hideous? What if he's old? God woman up and own it! I try pep talking and tough love some more when he speaks.

"Morning, you going to stand there with your back to me all day?" I whirl round instantly relieved.

"Oh it's you! Thank God it's you." I actually want to drop to my knees and worship the Lord I am that relieved.

"I don't know whether to be flattered that you're so happy its me or pissed that you thought it could be someone else." He is staring at me with his head propped up on his arm, his short hair a little mussed up. He looks the epitome of relaxed and at home. A really big part of me loves seeing him in my space, my bed. Shit!

"What's that face? What's wrong?" He sits up looking more alert and like he is ready to take down any threat. My freak out is momentarily forgotten when the sheet falls to his waist revealing his toned, tanned body and the tribal tattoo that starts on his ribs and disappears under the sheet resting at his hip. It teases me making me want to travel the length of it to see where it ends, with my tongue.

"What?" I mutter completely distracted.

"You were freaking out? Not that I don't mind you checking me out instead..."

"No no no no no no.... I am going to hell. Shit! Of all the stupid, irresponsible things I have ever done this definitely takes the cake! I slept with my sisters fiance. I slept with the man my sister is marrying in 5 weeks and 6 days. Shit!" I am pacing back and too, over and over again running my hand through my hair and down my legs when I freeze. Why the hell am I wearing the 'single can't be sexy nightie' Kat made me buy when I split with what's his face.

"Did you...Did you undress me?" I force out past my heart that is trying to jump out my throat.

"NO....Well not really.... I mean..." He clears his throat looking equally frustrated that his words won't come out as I feel right now.

"Yes or No Richard?" I spit angrily and his face goes completely blank of emotion but he doesn't move from his upright position in my bed and damn if it isn't really, really distracting.

"Don't call me that, ever! I am Dominic to you, always have been and always will be..."

"Hang on a cotton picking minute. Firstly do you think that by having two names you can lead two lives? Secondly you are nothing to me, never have been, never will be. Third what you will always be is my Brother - In - Law." I yell at him, tears cloud my vision because the truth is, it hurts. I want nothing more than for him to be my Dominic. But he will always be Lucinda's Richard. He moves towards me grabbing my hand and pulling me towards him, I don't put up a fight. I can't.

"You don't mean that Natalia. Please you can't mean that. You feel it too, I know you do, this intensity, this connection that takes most people a lifetime to feel... But I need time. I promise you that I will fix this mess. Please..." His forehead is pushed against mine as I kneel in between his legs on my bed and in this moment all I want is to kiss him, but I can't. My sister is horrible, cruel and vindictive but she is still my sister.

"I don't know what you mean, my Sister is not a mess that you can fix." I spit out as I rise to my feet needing distance if I am to get through this. "She is a person, albeit not a very nice one but she loves you and I won't have her hurt over some sisterly rivalry." My words sound cold even to my own ears but I am a Lucas woman, if there is one thing we are it's cold. I slip on the familiar mask I wear around my Mother and Sister and even though my heart feels like someone is squeezing it, I do the right thing.

"Sisterly rivalry?" He looks confused and when my words penetrate it morphs to disgust. Good that makes it easier, I need his hate, his anger and disgust. Anything else and I might break.

"Yes I knew who you were that night. I planned everything, well not you spilling your drink on me but hey whatever works. You see Lucinda has always taken what's mine so I thought I would give her a taste of her own medicine. Sorry babe but you're just collateral damage." His face is a picture of pain and anger and it's all I can do to stop myself from getting on my knees and begging to not believe my lies.

"You.... I mean....I can't." He clears his throat once again, I can see it in his eyes that he is trying to find holes in my story, reason not to believe me. However the cold harsh truth is no matter what we feel he doesn't know me enough to work through my cold exterior. I hope.

"Oh spit it out and stop mumbling little mouse, it was cute in the beginning." I repeat Lucinda's words to Ruby yesterday knowing how hurtful they are but seeing them hit the target I know it had to be done. I have to get out of here before I break. I have to escape. Fast.

"I am going for a shower, let yourself out." I turn to leave the room hoping he doesn't try and stop me and it appears I got what I wanted all along when he just lets me leave. It's for the best.

Once inside the shower I give into the tears that were threatening to overwhelm me since I started this stupid plan this morning. The front door slams signaling his exit and I break apart even further than I thought humanly possible. I fall to the floor of the shower as the water rains down on me washing away my tears but leaving the pain behind still. My tears seem to subside after a while and all I am left with is dry heaves that make me squeeze myself tighter into a ball as the world around me fades, bringing peace if only for a little while.

It's for Lucinda, for my sister but the thought gives me very little comfort.