Secrets, Dnf.

Chapter 1

Mentions of
Panic attacks
Anorexia
Anxiety attacks
Blood

george's POV

I was just sitting on call with Dream and we were joking around saying that it is 2 days till Halloween and 3 days till my birthday. All jokes aside I didn't know what I wanted for my birthday. Well I knew one thing however I knew it would NEVER happen because of one thing. I didn't know what he looked like. I wanted to meet the whole Dream SMP irl however I didn't know what Dream looked like and I don't think he would do a face reveal to me quite yet. Even if I was to meet them I don't know how I would hide it...

I struggle a lot between panic attacks, anxiety, anorexia and more, ever since I was young I have been bullied for the way I look and how I can't see colours. It got so bad that people would deliberately cut me so deep that I would be bleeding for an hour. They would always ask the same questions about if I could see the colour of my blood.

I was just sat there zoned out when I heard my name being called

"George" I heard Dream call my name from my computer. I jumped out of my thoughts and went back to the call

"Yeah" I said as I sat , my self back up from being slouched on my chair

"What do you want for your birthday" Sapnap said as he decided to but in

"I don't really know" I said as I scratched my head and lied. I didn't want them to waste money on a ticket for me.

"omg why are you so hard to buy for" Sapnap shouted through his mic making me laugh.

"Well, I don't know, Suprise me" I said sarcastically while I leaned back yet again.

"OK then whatever we get you is going to be on you, so not our fault if you hate it." Sapnap said as he left the call leaving me and Dream but literally after a minute he left. Was I not good enough company?

I logged off discord shut my computer down and went downstairs to watch TV.
After about 1 hour of watching the TV I felt this sudden urge to check my weight. I ran up to my bathroom and weighed myself.

17.7 BMI (severely underweight)
"Wow" I said as I got off the scales. I ran up the stairs with the little energy I had and realised I left my phone downstairs. I run downstairs but I fall.

I felt a sharp pain in my head and an even worse pain in my wrist. Unfortunately I was not near my phone and with my weight I could barely push my self up to get it. I was stuck. Even worse my sister was coming to check in on me tomorrow.

She was the only one who genuinely liked me. I'm so grateful for her. If I didn't have her I literally wouldn't be here.

My sister would not be happy about this. She is going to give me a lecture because I should be eating. She has tried so many times to help me with my anorexia and she has always failed. The worst part is she thinks she is actually helping me again.

I continue to worry about how she is going to react when she sees me. This ended up leading to a anxiety attack.

I started feeling the normal symptoms. Shortness of breathe which lead to struggling to breathe which caused me a lot of pain. Lucky for me I couldn't move so I couldn't give in to my intrusive thoughts such as harming my self. My thoughts were telling me things like...

Just do it no one cares about you

They all just want to see you suffer

No one is your friend

Your just an attention seeker

Cut yourself and your pain will be gone

I tried to ignore them but they got to powerful and I just started screaming and with the last of my energy I punched the wooden floor leaving my knuckles all bruised and bleeding.

This was all just normal to me at this point. My sister was the only one that could calm me down. Normally if I didn't have her I would be sitting screaming for hours on end and I always gave in to my intrusive thoughts.

At this point I realised my head was bleeding. I didn't know how long it had been bleeding for but I realised there was a lot of blood. I knew at some point I would pass out because it was not getting any less or stopping. Then I began to panic leading me into a panic attack. This was the worst experience of my life. I hadn't even finished my anxiety attack so both attacks at the same time was not very good. It started to get worse and worse. At this point I definitely couldn't breathe. I would breathe every 45 seconds. I couldn't tell whether it would be the bleeding or the attacks that would take my consciousness away. I continued to have the panic attack as my anxiety attack got ever so slightly better but it was still bad. This attack,both anxiety and panic, was one of the worst I had experienced for a long time.

I would get a lot of these attacks when I was younger but now when I am older I barely ever get them at the same time or this extreme., obviously still get both panic and anxiety attacks however never at the same time.

All I could think about was what even caused these attacks

I decided on panicking about what my sister would see and what she would think of me caused the panic attack and being so stressed out about anything and everything and not having a anxiety attack for a long time caused my anxiety to play up.

Then my mind went back to when I was on call with Dream and Sapnap. Should I have said that i wanted to meet up?

I decided to just put that off and say I done the right thing and said I didn't know what I wanted because then I could still live my normal life without any interference from anyone but my sister..

That was the last thing I remember thinking about before everything went fuzzy and eventually black...

Words 1077

This is my first story so sorry for any mistakes.