Secrets I Wished You'd Know by Now

I can't

I can't walk right.
I can't speak right.
I can't do a single thing right.

I forgot to do that one errand you told me to, now i am an idiot who is irresponsible.

I do bad  at one test and then i can't achieve anything in life.

You tell me it's for my good but i am not sure if I'll live to see the days when things become good, if they ever do.

I am not good at anything and the things that i am good at are not things worth my time, because they hold no future,
The things i like holds no future for me.

I've forgotten them all though, the things i like,
The things that make me happy,
The things that give me air to breathe,

I've forgotten what it feels like to do the things i like,
To be happy,
To breathe.

How long do you think I'll go on without breathing, 5 minutes, 10 minutes?
What comes after that?
I don't know.
I don't know the answer to that like i don't my physics questions' either,

But there's a difference, the first question doesn't matter in my life while the latter does, the physics one i mean.

You'll now tell me that i am weak,
You'll tell me I'm easy to break when you're the one who's snapped me in half with all your might,
to make me into something that is not me because me?
I am a loser, one that has no place on this earth, one who is better off not existing.

My heart swells with love when i think of you and then it shrinks right back as whatever it's holding seeps out from my eyes.

I don't ever wish to see you or have anything to do with you but i love you, and you never stop loving someone who you love, do you?
Maybe i can go on like this, loving you, hating you and one day I'll get tired of it all and I'll forgive you.

And then maybe one day, I'll forget it all, maybe I'll feel like i can walk right and that i can speak right.

Maybe one day I'll actually be able to make myself become that,

Maybe I'll get to meet the little girl you'd broken and torn apart so carelessly,

Then I'll tell her that she's an actual human worthy of love and respect,

I'll tell her she isn't an idiot and that she is amazing and beautiful and worth crossing the seven oceans for,

That all her drawings hidden in the drawer unseen, collecting dust, were all marvelous,

That she was working hard enough and didn't always have to tire herself out so much,

That even if nobody is ready to accept you or love you, I will do it with everything that I've got,
I'll tell her she isn't hard to love and that to understand that she'll have to love herself.

I'll tell her that people are not waiting to count your mistakes or imperfections and that no one really cares.

I'll tell her that the people who told her that she would never be enough and laughed at her were only those incapable of grasping and living their own reality, getting too interested in others lives who perhaps were doing better than them,
but then again they were just a bit too sour to let people who live actually live.

Some people are like that, they just know how to suck the life out of everything in you.

I'll tell her that she isn't perfect but she's just right and that is all that she ever has to be.

After all, all we have to be is a little kind and share a little smile.