Ashtray -Angel Dust Angst

Chapter 1

Last chance to turn back. This will be very triggering to some people.  No shame in leaving it up to the imagination.

Angels POV:

Shit I gotta get home. Charlie's gonna kill me if I'm home past curfew again. I glanced at my phone while speed walking towards the hotel. Crap it's way past midnight. Kinda bullshit that  I'm a grown ass man and have to be home early like some kind of delinquent teenager, but I know Charlie just gets worried.

When I stopped a block away from the hotel to have a smoke, I noticed the pain that I had been too preoccupied to feel before. Everything hurt, like I had just been pelted with stones. Clips of earlier today played in my head. I feel fucking disgusting. He made me feel fucking disgusting. "This is what you get for being a faggot," said a voice in my head that much to my dismay sounded exactly like my father.

This is bullshit. It's been the same for the past 50+ years. Why do I suddenly have the nerve to feel gross about it? I'm the biggest slut in pride.   I like shit like that right? I let out a small laugh and go back to my cigarette. My hand is shaking so badly I can't even light it.

Probably for the best, I think to myself as I throw it on the ground. Charlie has been really getting on my case about that kind of thing. It's a pain in the ass, because she won't let me keep anything in the hotel. Nifty cleans my room everyday and takes anything I have. Even if I hide it real good, she always finds it.

I stepped into the hotel slowly hoping that if I just got to my room without anyone seeing me that I would be free of punishment. Unfortunately, Charlie was on the couch with Vaggie and saw me sneaking in.

"Angel! Where have you been? You don't answer my calls. I'm glad you're okay though!" She said hugging me tightly. It hurts enough to make me flinch, but I don't think she noticed.

Vaggie stared daggers at me from the couch. "Fuck's your problem?" I snapped at her. Vaggie always seems to get the worst of my attitude. Mainly because she's the only one that holds me accountable for my shit. Husk and alastor don't care enough to bother, and Charlie's too nice. She doesn't deserve me some days though. I can be a real piece of shit sometimes.

"You can't keep doing that. Charlie was really worried. I know you don't give a fuck what happens to you but Charlie does. It isn't fair to her for you to just up and leave with no explanation." She said. Charlie looked kind of embarrassed but slowly nodded. She looked like she was about to cry. As harsh as I come off sometimes I do care about Charlie. It makes me feel like an asshole seeing her upset and knowing its my fault.

"Sorry. I'll make sure to text you next time I have to work late." I said with a slight smile. Charlie frowned. "Although I appreciate that you have a profession, isn't there something else you can do? You can't seriously enjoy having to give yourself away to complete strangers. That sounds like torture." She said with a hint of desperation in her voice. I chuckled a little bit and put my hand on her shoulder. "Oh I wish. But work ain't supposed to be fun, that's afterlife for ya!" I said.

If only she knew, I thought. I would love to quit. I would kill to leave that place behind. To leave him behind. To leave that life behind. But what would I do for work? I'm not good at anything much other than being a slut. And even if I wanted to leave Val would never let me do that. I signed the contract, it's my own damn fault if I'm unhappy.

"Alright well I'm gonna go to bed, it's been a long day," I said as I walked up the stairs to my room. I was greeted by fat nuggets when I walked in. "Hi baby!" I exclaimed actually smiling for the first time today. "Time for dinner nuggs," I said as I tossed some food in his dish. He happily gobbled it up.

My pig's the only thing that makes me genuinely happy. I don't know what I'd do without him. It took hours of begging to convince Charlie to let him stay with me. He's a good boy though, he doesn't make a mess or anything.

I got undressed and into a shower. The hot water burned my skin. It felt nice. The fresher scars on my arms stung. I tried not to think about the day. Especially him. I can handle the clients, even the shitty ones, but he makes me feel so much worse. I trusted him. He makes me regret that every single day. I grabbed the soap and tried to wash it off. Wash him off. I scrubbed and scrubbed until my skin burned. He won't come off. He never does.

I grabbed nuggets and lied down in bed. I pet him softly as he oinked happily. "I love you baby. You're my favorite thing ever," I said holding him tightly. I felt a tear roll down my face and quickly wiped it off. Crying is for weak people. I am not weak. Nuggets snuggled into my chest as I start trying to fight off the tears. It's useless. They spill out like water from a faucet.

This is bullshit. I got up and went to the balcony to smoke. That always makes me feel better. I wish I had something stronger, but I have to wait until Val pays me to get more. I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a box of cigarettes and my lighter. As I smoked it I felt a little bit of relief. Not as much as I wish, but enough to allow me to fall asleep.

I turned the light off, got into bed, and wished this time I wouldn't wake up.