Ashtray -Angel Dust Angst

Chapter 14

Angels Pov:

I woke up with a really bad headache. It was like a hangover, but different. Familiar. It took me several minutes to remember where I was. Cherri was doing something in the kitchen. She walked out and sat on the table in front of the couch.

"Hey." She said cautiously like she was trying to see how I would react. Upon sitting up my head gave me a stabbing pain that made me lay right back down. "Hi." I said trying to figure out what happened last night. The last thing I remember was leaving the hotel.

"You don't remember do you?" She asked solemnly. Shit what the hell happened. Did someone die? Is Husk okay?". "No... Cher what happened?" I asked scared of what her response would be.

"You... relapsed last night. I don't know what you took, or why, but you came here in the middle of the night high as fuck." She said looking down.

My whole world shattered. I was almost a month clean. All that progress down the drain. I'm never going to be able to last that long again. Charlie's gonna hate me. How am I ever gonna fix this? I'm gonna lose everything.

Cherri sat closer to me. "Hey, take a deep breath. I know it's a lot to take in but It'll be okay." I looked at her like she was stupid. "It's not Cherri! This fucks up everything! You have no idea what's at stake for me!" I yelled.

She backed up and stood. "I called Husk. He's on his way." She said looking slightly away from me. "What! Why?" I asked. "Because I knew this would be a lot. And I'm no good at shit like this." She said. "He's not mad by the way."

A weight lifted off my chest. "Are you sure?" She chuckled. "Please, the way that man talks about you I doubt it's even possible to upset him." She said sitting back on the table. I smiled, now thinking about him.

"I'm sorry, for everything. These past few weeks have been a mess." I said looking at the floor. "I know you're sorry. I've heard the news. I know it's hard for you." She said sitting next to me. "And I forgive you. Always".

She hugged me tight and I hugged her back, thankful I hadn't lost her. Then the doorbell rang. "That's Husk. I'll talk to you soon Angie okay." She said disappearing somewhere upstairs.

I opened the door. "Hey." He just hugged me tightly. "I'm glad you're okay." He said and then led me to the car. It was an old vintage type car. I don't know what kind, I was never really a car guy.

"I'm really sorry Husk," I said looking forwards. "It's okay. Everyone relapses at some point. You lasted a long time, and Im proud of you." He said putting his hand on my leg. "Does Charlie know?" I asked suddenly worried I would be kicked out. "No, but you probably need to tell her eventually. I'm sure everything will turn out fine. She's forgiven much worse." He said.

I still felt awful. How weak am I that I'll just take whatever's lying around? Do I seriously have no self control?? I'm disgusting. I'm so fucking stupid. I hate myself. I hate being. I wanted nothing more in that moment than the sweet release of death. I can't take it anymore. I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve the hotel. I don't deserve Cherri. I don't deserve Charlie. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve Husk. I'm worthless.

My brain raced to figure something out, anything out, that would release me. I had to die. I couldn't live, I couldn't continue like this. I can't. I fucking can't. I'm not strong enough.
And then I remembered the pills. I still have some left. It would be so easy. So quick. So painless. So perfect.

I stayed silent the rest of the ride. Husk looked at me with concern a few times but said nothing. By the time we got to the hotel I was practically levitating with excitement. "I'm gonna take a nap or something," I said to husk as I eagerly walked past him. I could feel his confusion but I didn't care. Nothing mattered except death.

I entered my room and quickly grabbed the pills. My hands shook with joy as I opened the bag. One is enough. I crushed it up and into a powder. I could only imagine an angelic suicide  pill tastes awful, and snorting was more my style. I was gonna go out my way.

I counted from 10 to prepare myself for whatever came next.

10

Determination

9

Happiness

8

Curiosity

7

Fear

6

Husk

5

Cherri

4

Nuggets

3

Guilt

2

Charlie

1

Husk

I slowly took in the pill. It was easier than I expected, soft and smooth. It felt good, like the next thing to come would be welcoming and safe. About a quarter done.

I started feeling a twinge of regret. Did I really want this? I mean, Ive wanted it forever, but now that it was happening I second guessed myself. Halfway done.

I thought about life. I thought about people, good and bad. I thought about how they would react when they heard about me. I wondered if they would cry. I wondered if anyone would care at all. Three quarters done.

Suddenly the door creaked open. "Angel tell Al that Math is blue and science is green because he's lost his-" the voice stopped suddenly. Husk stared at me with shock. "Angel what the hell." He whispered as he slowly walked to where I was. I covered my nose which still had a bit of residue on it. His eyes darted to the bag of shiny pills next to me. "shit shit shit shit shit Angel no. WHY??! YOU PROMISED ME! ANGEL YOU FUCKING PROMISED NO!" He yelled. He dropped to his knees and cried holding onto my arm like he would die if he let go. It was the only time I'd ever seen him cry.

I started panicking. I changed my mind. I don't want to die. I could feel my breathing slow down and death setting in. The world moved in slow motion. Every second felt like a year. I give up. This is it, I'm dead. I had a nice run.

The darkness closed in on me, and I awaited the long desired nothing. I muttered one final thought. "I love you."