Singed Synapses and Deranged Dendrites

Smarty Pants (#model)

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the latest in clothing technology–the first ever pair of Smart Pants! And you prudish Brits, before you gasp in horror, I assure you these are not undies, panties, or knickers. These are American made trousers made for the modern man or woman!

As I model them for you now, you may be thinking that they appear to be just an ordinary pair of pants. A simple, fashionable design appropriate for business casual, an evening out, travel or even for running errands on the weekend. Made a durable, breathable fabric they can be comfortably worn in all but the hottest heat waves or outside in a winter blizzard. (Though our next model will include heating and cooling elements so stay tuned.)

So why do you want, nay NEED, these pants?

I will tell you.

How many times have you sat at a board meeting after lunch, your waistline uncomfortably pressing against the button of your trousers. Or perhaps you're driving a long distance and you manage to unbutton that bothersome top snap. But then, after two hours, you get out of the car to visit your mother-in-law only to see her give you the stink eye because you have forgotten to close it up again.

We all over indulge more often than we would like to admit. Perhaps it is that extra hot dog at the ball game or another round of turkey at Thanksgiving dinner. Now you don't have to worry if you have a second helping of cake at the birthday party, or finish off that submarine sandwich in the breakroom. With this technology, you can now discreetly relieve some of that tension by unbuttoning that button at times where normally by doing so you would draw unwanted and unflattering attention. 

We have solved that problem for good thanks to Smart technology. Just start by downloading the Smarty Pants app. Create a username and login so you can set the app to all of the pairs of Smart Pants that you own. The app will automatically determine which pair you are currently wearing. By giving it access to your bank account, social security number, and retirement account you can customize your comfort using Siri. I will now demonstrate.

Hey, Siri?

    Yes?

Unbutton my trousers.

   On it!

Ah, sweet relief. But sometimes you aren't alone and you can't simply blurt out 'unbutton my trousers.' This is why you can customize your commands to such simple things as, 'Oh, my I fear I've eaten too much again,' or 'wow, what a great meal aunt Edna.' In response to an innocent-sounding sentence, the Smarty Pants app will loosen your beltline without a word...err....excuse me well I...um...pull my pants back up.

(Hey Siri I was just showcasing the app you weren't supposed to take me literally!)

  Tightening now.

Ow! Too tight, too tight!