sex, love or friendship

IT'S OVER

Kevin had never been in touch with me in this way before. Before, we'd just get together to watch a film and spend some time together. Then we'd all go home. But now I felt we were taking it to the next level. It's true that my plan was to do it with him tonight, but I had no idea that he would be so enterprising. Did he have the same idea as me when he came here? He's a man, after all. Sooner or later it had to happen.

Everything was so different: his kisses, his caresses, the way he looked at me. It was all a mixture of passion and love, I think. It all happened so quickly that I hardly had time to wonder what was going on. Anyway, what was the point of asking questions? All I had to do was to allow myself to be guided by him and to allow our bodies to merge.

But there was something about him that intrigued me. He seemed to be in a hurry, he was no longer as gentle as before, as if he wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. His hand, which had been soft and sensual, was now in a state of trembling. It could have been stress, after all it was his first time too. But I didn't know how to broach the subject with him. How could I tell him that he could take his time, that if he didn't feel ready tonight, we could do it another time? But how could I tell him all this without bruising his ego?

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I remained seated on the table and his lips, which were locked with mine, found their way to my neck, leaving kisses that were not as tender as before.

Slowly, he sat up and looked me in the eyes.

"Do you have any condoms?" We were almost there.

"Yes, in that envelope over there," I said, pointing to the envelope in the corner of my room.

"You keep your condoms in an envelope?"

"No, it's Maya who..."

I couldn't finish my sentence as he pulled me down from the table and pushed me brusquely towards my bed.

I took the time to watch his gaze, and I noticed that there was a certain amount of darkness in it. That look worried me. I had the feeling he was hiding something from me, or trying to convince himself of something.

His breathing became faster and more intense. Then he leaned over to me a little.

"You can do this," he said to himself.

"What's going on? We can talk about it if you want," I said, pushing him back so he wasn't on top of me.

He sat down on the other side of the bed with a look of despair on his face. I'd never seen him like this before and I was beginning to realise that it couldn't just be stress. Maybe the problem was me?

"If I've done something wrong, you can tell me, you know?" I asked.

"No, you haven't done anything at all," he replied, rising abruptly from the bed. "The problem is me. I don't feel anything, I don't feel the same pleasure you feel when I touch you."

"That's all right, it will come with time," I said, reaching out a little to take his hand.

"I'm gay, Margo."

"What?"

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I still couldn't digest the information I'd just received. Had he just come out of the closet? I lifted my head just a little to see that he was staring back at me.

"Will you say something, Margo?" he asked, almost pleadingly.

So far I'd been perfectly calm, not saying a word. But in my head everything was a whirlwind of confusion. Questions went round and round: how? why? when? and above all, with whom?

I got up to get a glass of water, but couldn't help asking him as I crossed the room.

"Did you ever really love me?"

"Of course I have," he said, turning to face me.

"Then what makes you think you're gay?"

I saw him lower his head, overcome with a sense of guilt. There was something he was hidin' from me.

"Are you seeing anyone?" I asked, desperately searching for his gaze. Even if his lips could lie to me, his eyes could not.

"Yes, Margo, I am seeing someone."

A wave of tears washed over me, I felt both devastated and angry at him, or maybe even at myself.

"If you already have someone in your life, why did you come all this way?"

"Margo, it wasn't meant to be like this. I mean, I wanted to be sure of my feelings for you," he tried to convince me, or maybe he was trying to convince himself.

"So you were going to sleep with me and leave me to go back to your new boyfriend?"

"I'm not in a relationship with this boy."

"Then what are you?" I said irritably.

"It's complicated, if I explain it to you you might not understand."

"What have you got yourself into?" He seemed determined not to answer. "Have you slept together before?"

"He..."

"You know what? I don't even want to know. Just go away, I don't want to see you again," I said as a final tear rolled down my right cheek.

The thunder rumbled and the flashes of lightning lit up the walls of my room. The rain was far from over and I realised I couldn't let him go in this weather. I walked over to the chest of drawers next to my bed and took the key out of it, "Here, this is a spare key to Maya's room. You can spend the night there and when you leave tomorrow you don't have to give it back to me. You can just slip it under my door, because I don't want to see you any more. You and I is over.