Naging madalas ang away ng mga magulang ko kahit sa mga sumunod na araw. Mapa-umaga man o kahit gabing-gabi na sa tuwing umuuwi sila. Ayokong makisali at makialam dahil baka sa akin mabuntong ang galit nila.
They're fighting the same reason. There's a third-party. Hindi ako sigurado kung may ibang babae ba talaga si daddy o si mommy lang ang nag-iisip niyon. But through their conversation, I think my father is having an affair with someone else.
I don't know what exactly to react. It's hurting me too. Iniisip ko palang na totoo na may ibang babae at ibang pamilya si daddy ay sobrang nasasaktan na ako. Ayoko pa ring masira ang pamilya ko at maghiwalay ang mga magulang ko.
When I was little, yes, I thought I have a perfect family. That I have a good life because they can give everything I need, I have parents who just wanted me to be at my best that's why they expects too high from me, and a career path that they chose for me and made me believe I'll be successful at. I thought, my life was the best. My young self couldn't ask for more.
But growing up, all those thoughts has changed. The reality of life slapped me. I realized our family wasn't a perfect family at all. It was flawed. Even my parents are not perfect and their expectations are killing me. That I realized I have another dreams and goals of my own I want to reach. That I ain't perfect at all even if I tried so hard to be because they told me so. My life isn't that good and happy. I am still searching for that specific thing that will makes me feel so alive. A thing that will give me a reason for being. I don't want to live a life they created for me anymore. I just wanna live a life I really want to be in, and live a life with my own terms.
Hindi ko alam kung kailan o paano ko matatakasan ang buhay na pinili nila para sa akin. They decided what my life should be. How will I be able to escape?
"May bagong bukas na snackhouse. Tara?"
I heard Elij echoed inside my head and washed away all my deep thoughts. Napabaling ako sa kanya at napatitig sa nakangiting mukha niya. I couldn't smile back. I haven't went inside my car yet because he's resting his arms on top of my car's door, pinipigilan niya kaya hindi ko pa naisasara. Nakadungaw siya at naghihintay pa ring mapapayag ako. I sighed and shook my head. His smiles on his lips didn't vanish.
"I need to go home early, Elij. I'm busy with something,"
"What is it?"
"Basta." sagot ko at biglang may naalala. "A-And about you and Maika, I'm expecting you're still doing your part in the deal..."
"Yeah,"
"Okay."
I looked away when I noticed his smile faded. Nagbago agad ang timpla ng mukha. Mula sa masaya at sabik lang kanina pero ngayon, parang natauhan at naalalang may dapat pa pala siyang gawing iba. Hindi na ako umimik pa. Pumasok na ako sa loob at sinusian kahit pa hawak niya pa rin ang pinto ng sasakyan ko. Akala ko aalis na siya pero lumapit pa siya sa tabi ko bago yumuko at sinilip ako sa loob ng sasakyan. I glanced at him and waited for what is he going to say.
"Drive safely."
"Yeah, thanks."
He stood beside my car when he closed it. He waited. Pinaandar ko na rin agad at iniwanan siya roon.
Hindi naman sa iniiwasan ko siya pero iniiwasan ko lang ang pagsama-sama sa kanyang lumabas-labas. Pansin kong napapadalas ang pagsasama namin. I just don't want to get attached... or I already am. I can't say it. Hindi ko pa kayang aminin sa sarili ko. But I was realizing a lot of things these days. I don't want what I am feeling right now. These emotions are dangerous. Ayaw kong lumalim pa dahil baka hindi ako makaahon.
