Lizzie And Mac

Chapter 17

The Beauty, The Bitch, And The Biker

5 Months Later - Australia

Lizzie

Well, here I am again, lounging on a beach in the winter, in a tiny bathing suit romping around, surfing, playing volleyball and posing on the sand.  The main differences between todays shoot and the photoshoot last year (the night Mac blew up our lives) isn't just the temperatures, or even the different hemisphere.  The true difference is that I'm doing my job, focused on the task at hand, I'm even enjoying it, having fun with the people who I work with, and I'm not stressing about a pseudo boyfriend who's undermining me with his drama.

I miss my life in Ventura, I miss the water and the people, the waves I rode and the beach I played on, and I really miss the peace I got from the familiar.  I truly miss my family, Stone, Kat, Jack, especially Steffi.  God, I miss her so much.  But we talk and FaceTime almost daily, I see and hear from her how school is going, how incredible Slater is, and what all the guys are up to.  And honestly, I miss Mac too.  I miss the guy I saw in the rare times when he was real, not when he was reeling me in with words, not when he was silly and funny, but when he sat down and was introspective and honest.

I've learned a lot from him, both in good and bad ways.  I know he loved me, I know he wanted more, and I know he was truly sad over all that happened.  But I'm not sure if he's figured out that it all happened because of him, it didn't happen to him, he was directly responsible in many ways, perhaps not all, but he opened the door for that storm to blow right in.

He was drunk the night it all went down, and Savanna definitley took advantage of him, if the genders were reversed, it would be called rape.  But because he's a guy, it's harder to prove, not that it's any less true, it's just one of the many sad truths of sexual assault.  The clubs attorney told Mac they could try to have Savanna charged, but there wasn't any evidence, it was months old, the bias on the part of potential jurors, and the fact she was pregnant all made it a really tough case to not only bring to trial but to prosecute as well.  So Mac dropped it, left it alone.

So how did Mac handle this?  Did he step up and man up to his new reality?  No, he doubled down on partying and drinking, in fact, he still parties with the club girls.  Savanna not as much, but only because the club has her on semi lockdown to try and keep her loser ass sober.  But Mac, well, Steffi said he just parties and feels sorry for himself, blames everyone else for why is world is where it is.

Apparently he thinks of me as both 'the one that got away' and 'traitorous bitch'.  I guess he doesn't talk about me much now, because the last time he was rude, Luke and Coop beat the crap out of him.  They told him to 'look in the mirror' at the person to blame, and to 'shut the f up' about me.  I love those boys.

My goal in leaving my home, was to focus on work, make the money I need for school, have time and space away from that mess, and hopefully, give Mac all the space he needed to focus on his baby.  The thought of that poor little boy, yeah, they had a sonogram and its a boy, living with a drunk dad or a loser mom, well, like I said before, I've lived that life and it hurts.

I used to get voice mails and texts from Mac, and like a masochist, I read and listened to them all.  Until the last one, which was a recording of Mac partying with the club girls, Crystal on his lap.  Mac was filming, they were all laughing, everyone looked wasted, he was slurring, but none of the guys were there, just some prospects and a few people I didn't know.  He was saying how much fun he was having and 'too bad I was missing it', but the thing was, it didn't look like fun.  It looked sad, and lonely, desperate and forced.

I know he was out of it, he was hurting so he was trying to make me hurt as well.  It worked.  It hurt me, so I decided that was enough, and I blocked him.  I forwarded the video to Steffi and Coop, and told them that's why I blocked him, and to please not share my info with him.  He can't access my social media (which is only my professional stuff anyway)and now he can't get me on my phone, I didn't want to be that dramatic whiner that has to block her ex, but I also can't be the girl who lets herself fall back into the black hole of sadness because of the ex.  I'm moving on, moving forward, even though sometimes it's lonely as all get out, I know I'm still going in the right direction.

After this week, I'll fly back to Ventura for a few days.  I haven't been home since June and I MISS it.  I've seen Steffi several times, she's joined me in several locations, both for shoots and just vacation.  Since I can't go home, I don't have a real base, so when I'm not working I'll travel somewhere, get a mini apt or stay in a cheap hotel for a week or two.  Steffi met me in Italy, Spain, Seychelles and Fiji.  My time with her was way too short, and so much fun.  God may have cheated me from a real mom and dad, but he more than made up for it with me finding Steffi and the Sanders family, I know that I'm freaking lucky.

I'll arrive at LAX on the Monday before thanksgiving, and then I have to fly out before dawn on the Friday after thanksgiving.  It'll only be a few days, but I can't wait.  I have no idea what the plan is to keep me away from Mac, but I know they have some sort of plan, I don't need to hear the details, but I will follow their instructions.  I do not want to have any run ins with a drunk, sad and angry Mac.

I really with he would do better, be better for his son, but I can't want better for someone who doesn't want it for himself.

Mac

5 months.  5 Months and I haven't seen her, haven't heard her voice, watched her laugh and giggle.  I haven't seen her lean in to Stone and Kat when she's proud of something she's done, haven't seen her flick shit at Coop, Luke or Jack at the dumbass stuff they do.  Haven't felt my heart jump in my chest with love and pride when she smiles at me, haven't seen her surfing, gliding through the water on her board like a fucking mermaid vision.

I've missed her every moment she's been gone, I've felt hollow and broken, empty and raging since she left.  All I've done since she's been gone is work, drink, feel sorry for the shitty place my life is right now.  I used to stalk her online, but I can't do that anymore.  I sent her some fucked up video of my drunk ass rambling shit in the club, I had Crystal (of all fucking people) on my lap, I looked and sounded like an asshole, and I sent the shitty thing to her.  She sent it to Coop, he, Slater and Jack, beat the shit out of me for hurting her, and then she blocked me.  Fair enough, she should.  I've been nothing but a loser asshole since she's been gone, fuck it, I was a loser asshole when she was still here.

I found out I'm having a son.  The bitch (who I try to never refer to by name) has been held at the club, to try and keep her under control, in the beginning she was all over me, then she tried to make me jealous, as if that could ever happen in this lifetime, and finally she just seems to want to get it over with, have the baby and then move to a different club.  Good fucking riddance.  Lizzie was spot on, the bitch is nothing but a newer version of Ronnie, in fact, I'm gonna call her 'Fonnie' for 'Fake Ronnie', god damnit I fucked up big.

I had it all, a beautiful girl who loved me, friends who stood by me, a dad who respected me, and a club that I loved, and loved me back.  Now I lost the girl, in fact I just didn't lose her, she ran half way across the world to escape me and my trash.  My friends are so sick of me and my shit that they avoid me, and they have her back (which even I know they fucking should), my dad is pissed at me because I fucked up to begin with, I hurt the girl that he loved like a daughter, and I'm still not doing right.  I know I should be a dad, because the kid has shit all for a mom, but every time I want to try, I just end up getting drunk and depressed.  The club is tired of my shit as well, I had to go to Nor Cal a month ago with Slater and Coop, I got fucking wasted while we were there, insulted the Presidents wife, ragged on some other guys, got fuckin beat on by to Nor Cal brothers, then puked all over myself.  Stone and my dad called me an embarrassment (they aren't wrong) and I haven't been able to dig myself out of that particular hole yet.  I deserve it, I've earned it, and I'm fucking dwelling in it.

So I need to fix my world, sort my shit, and start getting back into my life.  I've just sat back and bitched about all that's happened to me, now I need to do something to bring her back.  It's funny, well, kind of funny, I haven't fucked a girl since the bitch fucked me without my consent.  I used to fuck anything that said yes, and I didn't care if Lizzie new about or saw it.  Now, I'm completely without Lizzie, and I have zero interest in a hook up.  Fuck I bet I couldn't get it up, I have zero interest in sex or any woman other than the woman who left me.  Im a god damn country song, fuck me.