Y E L L O W_

ambulance

i don't even know what to write or say anymore
every minor inconvenience pushes me into a black abyss
every major inconvenience leads to so ever reoccuring suicidal thoughts
i'm fucking 21
i'm only fucking 21
and i don't ever fucking heal
the scars on my skin fade only to be replaced by new ones
how can someone be so incredibly in love with bleeding skin?
i'm tired
all the events just pile up on top of each other
and the weight pulls me into deep waters
where no light comes through
i choke and i choke and i can't breathe
i don't want to feel anymore
nowhere to put myself
no home, no place where i belong
i will always be 14, in the back of the ambulance
at the end of each day, i lay there again spinning in and out of consciousness
why did i stay awake?
why did i listen to the nurse?
i will always be 14 in this goddamn ambulance
so close to be free from this hell
i don't want to reflect on my life
no need to be reminded of all that happened
i don't want to hear what i accomplished or how far i've come
and i don't want people to be relieved im still alive
because i will always be 14 in the back of this ambulance
letting my body and my survival instincts keep me awake
i want to close my eyes and be gone
i want another chance to be 14 and in the back of the ambulance again
only so i can stay asleep
only so i can refuse the nurse
only so i can finally decay
nothing will ever change
i will always be sick with no cure
i will always feel too much
too little
let me be gone

911 what's your emergency?

mom come pick me up, i'm scared

are you in immediate danger?

yes

can you share your location

it's in my head

sir, are you experiencing symptoms of confusion or possible stroke signs?

i can't breathe

was there an accident?

yes

what happened, sir?

i was born when i should've stayed in the womb
it is a system error
404