Inner child voices, childhood trauma aftermath.

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Take a walk looking at the dark sky hoping will see even a single star,
Even listening to the kid's song while eyes wondering up there,
Sometimes I do that alone and sometimes there were closest people with me,
I bump into strangers sometimes when I'm too immersed in that song,
I turned red but they said that's adorable,
They find that childish but never ask me to stop doing that,
Sometimes we imagine that there is an imaginary gate in front of us to bring us to our goal so we will turn our evening jog into a run competition,
The way they grab me coz afraid I'll be tanned staying under the sun for too long,
I just love being under the sun but I can't do that anymore coz now I'm sensitive to light,
The spark in toddlers' eyes when they just run hugging me like they've known me for too long,
Some of them wondered how come those hot, smart, and ignorant seniors took care of me like I was their sister but pushed even their batch of girlfriends,
The ways he's teaching and comforting me,
The ways he's spamming coz I don't turn on my phones for three days,
The way they ask my friend to hide my chocolates while my friends already do that,
Is that also my fault but y'all as my friends know damn well how I'm just minding my own business,
I'm asking the same questions too how does it even happen,
Never forget when juniors just come over and whine over math questions,
Climb into my bad just because they are afraid of 'oily man' will come at night,
Come crying to me when they feel upset,
Neither do I know how my cold aura can give them such a gut to cling to me,
Those are really good memories but I don't want to stay in there too lame,
I can't imagine how shocked they were when I suddenly just packing up my things during the school holiday and left them without early warning,
I feel bad when they call me like "Why on earth your locker and bed is empty?"
Little did they know,
They approach me first just because of my looks before they push me into my real character,
From the first day I was there,
I saw how people's eyes focused on me the moment I started to speak,
Even the teachers...
I don't know if I need to apologize,
I don't know if I've done something bad,
How is that possible to figure it out without training your brain harder?
Why is that manipulative when they hurt me but my inner child doesn't allow me to take revenge?
Am I being bad coz I hate to accept people's kindness when I'm doing something for them?
Am I being annoying for not letting evil hurt my closest people?
I'm not trying to be nice but I don't know,
Do I need to apologize for coz even though I received a lot of love from outsiders I still have fear just because of two persons?
I'm just confused.