Homuncu-lols

Chapter 1: Health checks

It was a fine saturday morning and Greed was out buying groceries because why not.
"Ok that will be 200 cens please sir" the shopkeeper said lazily. Greed was about to pay the man (in counterfeit money of course) when the ouroboros on his hand started glowing and making a telephone sound
"Da hell is that?" the confused shopkeeper asked
"Oh this is just great, father is calling me" sighed greed. He grabbed his groceries and ran out of the door
"HEY YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THAT!" yelled the shopkeeper, although Greed was already long gone

*TO THE TOP SECRET HOMUNCULI BASE*

"So my children, I suppose you're wondering why I have summoned you here" Said Father ominously
"Is it dinner time?" Gluttony asked innocently
"Unfortunately not my fat little friend, no the reason I have called you is because I have been receiving calls from childline saying that I have raised you badly" replied father nonchalantly
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN RAISED US BADLY?! I WILL RIP YOUR SPINE OUT THROUGH YOUR ANUS AND FORCE IT DOWN YOUR NECK!" screamed Envy
"Hoho most defiantly" waffled Wrath
"See this is what I mean..." Sighed Father, accompanied with a facepalm, "anyway I've been reading 'parenting magazine' for tips on how to be a better dad, and it says the first step is to make sure you're all healthy! introducing a doctor I Kidnap- uh I mean hired!" He gestured over to a familiar looking doctor tied up in the corner
"Oh hey doctor marco, long time no see..." Envy said awkwardly
"Hey envy my old friend... aren't you supposed to all be dead?"
"Well yeah but that's a story for another chapter..."
Father interrupted their little reunion "yes envy we all know that it's totally your fault he escaped but right now we need his help... he's the only doctor I know" Father untied the doctor "Ok doc, do yo' thing!"
"Ok who wants to go first?" asked Marco. A small hand immediately shot up "ME ME ME FOR I AM THE GREATEST I SHOULD GO FIRST!" Came Pride's chibi voice
"Uh ok take a seat Pride" instructed the doctor
Marco took Pride's temperature and measured his heartbeat. "Ok very good, could you please stand on the scales?"
Pride stepped onto the weighing scales and Marco recorded his weight.
"Ok pride, I have concluded that you are way too small and underweight for your age" said Marco
"What ever do you mean, it's kinda the whole point for me to look like a kid" Pride growled
Marco rolled his eyes "Whatever next patient"
Pride went and huddled in the emo corner
"Wrath how about you?"
"Hoho most defiantly!" wrath mumbled and sat on the chair
Marco did the usual procedure
"Ok wrath, it would seem that you are pretty healthy but you have arthritis and moustache lice, also I thought that homunculi weren't supposed to age"
"Yes, well I'm special" said wrath with a kitty face (favourite and comment for wrath's kitty face!)
"Next, Sloth"
"UUUUH. checkups. are. such. a. pain." moaned the giant homunculus.
After the checkup Marco made his conclusion "well sloth, what can I say, you are absolutely perfect in every single way!"
Sloth did the peace sign "being. perfect. is. most. defiantly. not. a. pain." he smiled, this caused pride to retreat deeper into the emo corner.
"Greed, you're up!"
Greed got an evil look in his eye "I want your stethoscope, give it to me" he whispered and tried to grab it from around marco's neck. "OK YOU'RE FINE GET AWAY!" Marco said frantically
"Lust your turn"
"Hey baby" lust winked, causing Marco to blush
"HEY LUST STOP BEING SLUT!" laughed envy
"SHUT UP YOU MINI-SKIRT WEARING, GENDER CONFUSED PALM TREE SADIST!" Lust yelled.
Marco finished his checkup "Ok lust, it would appear that you have every sexually transmitted disease known to man, luckily you're a homunculus so it shouldn't affect you, also you may need to wear a back support as THEY may give you spinal problems... are THEY real? cause fake ones can cause breast cancer" Marco asked
"Marco honey don't like what your implying" lust growled, venom in her voice
"Ok never mind just wear this" marko handed her a back support. she put it on "ooh that's comfy"
"Gluttony you're turn"
Marko recorded his blood pressure and temperature then weighed him
"Ok gluttony, you have type 2 diabetes and you're very overweight
"Aw naw!" sobbed gluttony
"It's ok, I prescribe a diet of nothing but dandelions, you'll be fine in no time!"
"Aren't dandelions poisonous?" Father interrupted
"Doctors orders" replied Marco
"Ok then... 0_0"
"Envy you're last" called Marco
"Finally!" sighed the palm tree
Marco concluded that his heart beat and temperature were fine. "could you please step onto the weighing scales?"
As soon as envy stepped onto the scales they broke under his enormous weight, resulting in an embarrassed envy and a confused doctor
"Hehe you're fat" smirked lust
"Hey you try being a giant lizard and not being heavy"
"Envy this is a problem, your ittle bittle legs are to small to support your weight. Because there's no way you can lose weight as you're not fat, you will have to have a wheelchair!" commanded the doctor
"Wait wha?!" cried envy
Before he could deny Marco got sloth to put him into a wheelchair and tie him down.
"Ok mr father, my work here is done, can I go home now?"
"Yeah whatever"
With those words the doctor ran away at the speed of light
"Aren't you all glad I called the doctor kids?" smiled father. All the homunculi just glared at him
"I'm such a great dad" he said to himself

*authors notes*

Well there's the first chapter, there probably will be another chapter about why they are all still alive, I wrote this with the help of Shuger_sheep (she also did the art for the cover photo) so there may be some inside jokes so don't worry if you don't get it! Next chapter there will be a delightful family day out!
*Sigh* writing. fanfiction. is. such. a. pain.