I CAN SEE YOU

fourteen

"Here you go." I pass my mother the piping hot cup of tea, no milk or sugar, just the way she likes it.

"Thank you." She mumbles, her thin dainty hands wrapping around the paper cup but her eyes don't budge from the same singular spot on the floor that's been so very interesting since I stepped foot in the room.

My mother has always been a confident woman, she's needed to be to thrive in the cut throat world of fashion, yet it seems that in the space of this afternoon all of that courage has dwindled down the drain and all that remains is the shell of a woman, whose face is ghastly and eyes sunken.

I sit besides her on the massage bed yet she doesn't flinch to notice my movement, leaving us to sit in silence.

"I don't know what you're going through." I eventually breath out, playing with the rim of the paper cup. "I can't even imagine it because I've never seen you this hurt before, and the last thing I want to do is kick a wounded puppy. But all I ask is that you tell me if it's true. If you tell me it's true then I can walk right up to him and break his nose without feeling a drop of guilt or remorse. If what he's said isn't true, then I'll probably still want to break his nose for having you here so hurt, thought I might feel a bit guilty in the future."

"For gods sake Madeline, how many times do I need to tell you it's not ladylike to talk with your fists." Her head finally lifts to look at me, a light scolding frown settling on her face.

I can't help but smile, even if it's a small one at that. "You'll probably be telling me that until you're dying breath. But at least it got your attention." Her frown begins to lift forming a kind smile as her left hand leaves the tea to cup my face instead. Instinctively I lean in, calming at my mothers touch as her thumb rubs against my cheek making my eyes flutter shut whilst dread bubbles in my stomach. "Is it true." I croak out, keeping my eyes shut, waiting for this nightmare to end.

Another pause settles between us with only the sound of her sharp breath piercing the air. "I'm sorry darling. I really had hoped you hadn't found out about it."

My heart pummels straight to the floor, shattering on impact as my hope to disregard this nightmare is taken away. "Why didn't you tell me sooner then?"

The awkward silence returns as my mother retracts her hand, placing it back once again on her cup of tea. The cold air is like a slap to the face, pushing my head upwards and straightening my back as I watch her eyes glass over.

"I had hoped you never would've needed to know." She once again refuses to look at me, staring at the wall this time instead of the floor. "Ignorance is bliss."

"Blissful for you or for me?" It slips out before I could even think of what I wanted to say. In the moment I sound selfish, and I feel selfish, but I also feel so much hurt that I just want to scream out in pain.

Her head slowly turns to me with her lower lip trembling again, stuttering as she tries not to cry. "I didn't want to hurt you." She takes a deep breath, trying to control her emotions. "I don't want to hurt you."

I shake my head, trying to clear out the frenzy that is my mind. In the past hour I've raced, came third, been on the podium, blatantly ignored by my own teammate, broke up an argument, found out that Mark Webber is my freaking father, had to deal with a shit ton of stupid interview questions, made two cups of tea, and now deal with my emotional wreck of a mother. It's all too much but at the same time I can't change what's happened, so I just need to suck it up and deal with it.

"You can't hurt me. I've already been hurt because of it, but if you tell me the whole story then maybe, just maybe, I can get a bit of closure and move on."