The Dark is Patient [a.s]

Whispers in the Dark

  Meditation was never a strong skill of hers and she shifted part of the blame to her Master. He wasn't good at it either so how was she supposed to be? Yet right now, as she sat on an old mat and focused on the whistle of the wind outside... she knew it was no one's fault but her own.

She had never dedicated time to meditation when she was a Padawan, she didn't have the time to try again as the Clone Wars raged on, and she certainly didn't have the time now.

But Ahsoka was trying. Desperately. She was alone now and she needed guidance and lately it had felt as if the Force had lost all confidence in her and decided to turn away at any beck and call she had. She tried to think back to Master Kenobi's teachings. You don't guide the Force, Ahsoka. Let it guide you .

She frowned and shut her eyes tighter, reaching out but all she felt was what had been present for months. Cold, empty and dark. With the Jedi gone, despite all the reservations she had about the Order, it felt as if warmth and light itself had been snuffed out and she was stumbling blind now. No longer having the trusted hand of the Force, her troops, or her Master to catch her.

Ahsoka's shoulders slumped and she opened her eyes. Missing Rex dearly and regretting sending him away for a moment before she shook her head. He had a new mission now, a new purpose and one that would actually bring light to the growing shadows.

One could say Ahsoka had that same opportunity dangling in front of her face. There was a rebellion growing, though slowly. At the moment there were only whispers but if one listened hard enough they were clear as day. And she could join them, strap sabers back to her hips and keep on fighting like the good soldier she had trained to be.

Yet if she went to them she knew they would expect a Jedi at their doorstep not... whatever she was. She wondered if they would turn her away since she had walked away from the Order during the war, many believing she was a Separatist and had lost her way. Though she wasn't worthy enough to be deemed a new member of the Lost Twenty since she wasn't a Master.

She scoffed and stood up, brushing the dust from her legs. Not even worthy as a castaway. A spark of hate ignited in her chest, pulling the air from her lungs and she squeezed her eyes shut again. Tightening her hold of pure will to keep the feeling at bay. Her mind went dark except for the dancing flame and it burned the hands of her soul as she tried to snuff it out. It should've been easy, just a pinch of her fingers to extinguish it yet it felt as if it were a furnace that would melt the skin right off her bones.

She didn't hate the Jedi, she couldn't. They had raised her.

And they turned their backs on you , a voice that sounded awfully like Anakin's echoed around her. Only darker and oil-like, not at all similar to the man she knew. It frightened her and she screamed, clamping her hands down around the fire and she screamed through the pain until it finally went dark.

Ahsoka took in a shuddering breath and stumbled back, her back colliding with a dresser and she sent half the contents resting on top of it to the floor. " Anakin ." Her voice was quiet, hesitant even. In the months she had been trying to find him, even just to feel the essence of him through the Force she had come up blank.

After Order-66 she thought the worst, that he had perished in battle but she knew deep down that couldn't be true. He was Anakin Skywalker, the Hero with No Fear and she would've felt it. Just like she had felt the death of so many others during those fateful hours. The Force had gone dark, yet she knew there was someone.

They were always there, or maybe an it . She wasn't actually sure, but sometimes if she was still enough it felt as though it was watching her. Sometimes she wondered why she wasn't frightened of this presence, it was looming and wasn't offering anything that resembled comfort. It just observed, like it was curious to what she was doing and why. Ahsoka never saw anything, no blur or outline. No faint blue figure that might be a Force Ghost that she had read about in the archives. There was no voice or shape to the thing.

It was just... there.

Ahsoka found out after a while that she didn't want it to leave. In those silent and still moments she contemplated reaching out to it. Either physically or through the Force, but with how her luck had been going it surely wouldn't be the latter.

She was always shrouded in the doubt that it was all in her head. She was just lonely these days and now through sheer will power she had conjured the essence of something to make her feel less isolated. In fact, when she thought about it the feeling of the observer almost reminded her of her Master.

She shook her head and picked the fallen objects off the floor, placing them back neatly on top of the dresser. It was strange, she hadn't really owned anything before and she had no idea where to start. As a Jedi, you make an oath to rid yourself of all possessions to avoid the temptation of greed and attachment. Even after she left the Order she still found herself abiding by that lifestyle. It was foreign and unnatural, calling something her own.

Even now as she looked at the little trinkets she frowned, not sure if she was doing it right. If you own something does it have to mean anything? Ahsoka picked up a rock she had found on the side of a road, its surface weathered away and it showed layers of sediment. It was pretty and intriguing but... but what? She felt nothing as she held it and she wondered why people were so obsessed with the things they said belonged to them.

She set it down and walked over to her desk, hesitating a moment before opening the drawer to find the silka beads she had worn as a Padawan. She supposed they were hers but the memories that laid within them were too painful to think about and again she wondered why people felt the need to hold on.

That's the Order talking, what do you really think? Anakin's voice called out again and it made her head spin.

Ahsoka clenched her jaw and thought, allowing her mind to trail down paths that would've previously been forbidden. What did she think?

She could almost feel Anakin smiling. And, what do you want ?

Shaking her head, she closed the drawer. Her Master had always been untraditional and she supposed that's what made him so much more wonderful. He wasn't limiting or dogmatic in his teachings. He wanted Ahsoka to be herself and she wished she could tell him how thankful she was for that.

What Ahsoka wanted was to fix whatever was going wrong inside of her. There was a monster unfurling and she wasn't sure she had the strength to keep it at bay. She wanted to find her Master. She wanted him to help.

Rubbing her fingers against her forehead she closed her eyes, pathetically reaching out to the Force in search of guidance but was met with a stretching void that did nothing but stare back at her blankly.

Ahsoka may have survived Order-66 but she feared something else inside of her might have died along with the other Jedi.