my comfort demons

[ 2 ; In another life

[ 2 ;

in another life, i wouldn't spend my tuesday afternoons in a cold auditorium watching her do something she's passionate at. i wouldn't plug her earphones in, getting lost in the music and only watching her keeps me sober but funny how, she's the one intoxicating me, making my senses blurry and the reality a myth. i wouldn't twist my heart, knowing there's a corner I buried two years ago. i wouldn't think : she in a white kurti, a single braid is the peak of beauty.

she's the art on the stage, the loudest applaud of my hands, the way I drop everything in my hand to take her call.

in another life, i wouldn't be fast forwarding through my crowded job, finding hours to smoke in the parking lots and i wouldn't figget my fingers and call her asking : “free aahes aaj? Bhetaych?” (are you free tonight? wanna meet?) i wouldn't be driving to my old college with the same song I heard years before in the auditorium, i wouldn't feel a suffocation in the air as my mind recollects her bits and pieces I treasured from her youth. The pictures of her still hidden in my phone. she's still young in my memories.

in another life, she wouldn't fall in love with acting, skit and plays on the stage and so, i wouldn't realize i'm in love with my only friend. i would've stayed oblivious to the little tug at my heart, silent to her sweet voice filling up the empty room. i wouldn't dream about the unexpected but warm hug, wouldn't see her on the terrace.

In another life, i wouldn't be in love with her or maybe in this life, she could see that love is beyond bodies and gender.

but ironically, in every life, i wouldn't be lucky enough to have her. she's the fierce wind; i'm the gentle breeze. she's the gasoline; i'm the swine. she is violence; i'm forgiveness. she's the film screen; i'm the forgotten tale. she's sunshine; i'm the midnight gloom.

yet, i take pride in the fact that at moments of crises— she calls me first. she rages and vents, yet she never admitted i'm her beloved friend. what's a greater misery to hide the love in the darkness of fear?

In another life, i hope i don't meet her. don't enter the room while she's writing on the blackboard; my curiosity started the conversation and my cowardness slaughtered my feelings. i am tightening the noose around my neck.

she's the astromatical occurrence, the meteorite shower, the liliac sky and i'm the outskirt city, the november cold and someone who's forgotten.

l  o v e
is a heavy word
for my weak arms.
H a t e
is a inferior word
for the fate.
But, s h e
is the sophisticated
magic,
the crafted pendant,
she's the madness
and she's the ultimate
s a l v a t i o n.

She's the e l i x i r,
I hunt for.
The f e l i c i t y
I crave for.
The picturesque,
painters paint for.
She's the z e n i t h
I live for.