Newt X Reader One-Shots

In My Heart

By the time I realized it was happening I couldn't do anything to stop it. What seemed to be a million tears poured from my eyes.

Even though it was late I didn't want to be here. I don't cry so doing it near people feels wrong. I'm the optimist.

How can I be optimistic now though? Every time I close my eyes I remember those I've lost, and it takes everything inside me not to scream. Sometimes I am filled with nothing but guilt that I get to live, and my friends are dead. It's nothing more than the luck of the draw. If Gally hadn't gotten stung Chuck would have lived, and he might have. If Winston was immune he could be able to wake up tomorrow. If Minho wasn't in danger Jeff wouldn't have saved him, and so on.

So what did I do differently to deserve to live?

As these dark thoughts overwhelmed my head I started pacing. Despite it being dangerous I needed to be alone. I was just sick of being around everyone breathing right now.

Because I am one of those people. I am alive, and almost everyone else I knew is dead.

I found a small rock and leaned against it. As I did I let it all out. Every single emotion I hid was finally here, and there was no stopping it.

My heart felt heavy as I sat there below the stars. Were my friends stars now? Were they in the sky watching me? Did they hate me for living or were they looking after me?

"Hey,"Someone whispered, tapping my shoulder. I wiped my eyes and turned around to see Newt with a solum look on his face.

"Hi,"I managed to say.
"Can I sit?"He asked quietly. I just nodded before staring at the ground. My friends could be in the ground right now, rotting and on their way to becoming skeletons.

"Survivors guilt,"He whispered. I hesitatily nodded.

"How did you know?"I mumbled.
"It comes to everyone sooner or later,"He whispered, closing his eyes.
"I just-don't know what I did to deserve to live. They fought just as hard to live. What sets us apart?"I mumbled, pulling my knees to my chest and wiping my eyes.

"Do you really want to know what makes us different than them?"He asked slowly, sitting beside me.

"If you have an answer then please,"I murmered, feeling more and more drained each second.

"Nothing,"He stated.

"What do you mean?"I whispered, glancing up at him and looking at him through my blurred tears.

"It was luck and circumstance. It's sort of a messed up circle. Gally getting stung killed Chuck which killed him. Minho being in danger killed Jeff. If Winston was immune he'd be here. The people who stayed v.s the people who ran, both options were unclear. It's dumb luck and the different reactions. Nothing more. Nothing less,"He answered, his voice gentle yet firm and sure of himself.

Hearing him say what I had always been thinking seemed to pull just an inch of pressure off of my chest. I had feared that there was something wrong with me. Still, there was another thing I needed and answer for.

"Do you think they hate us for it?"I asked.

He didn't say anything. Instead, he placed his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.

"I can't answer that, but I can tell you this. They're our friends. Some of them gave their lives for us. That's the way we want to remember them. Not their death but who they were. Strong, loving, and kind,"He whispered, rubbing my back. I couldn't help but tremble as I was unable to respond.

"They haven't left us Y/N. They never will."

"How could you be sure of that?"I asked, not moving away from him.

"Because as long as we carry them in our hearts we carry them with us."

"I always will,"I swore, seeming to run out of tears.

"I know love. I know,"He whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead. I leaned against him, and felt exhaustion start to overcome me.

"Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up,"He promised. I took his word for it and allowed my eyes to flutter shut.

Only months later I would have to keep his words with me more than ever. Because unfortunately the only way I ended up being able to hold him was in my heart.