Am I a coward . . .
perhaps I am.
Because I ought to like only,
the idea of love.
I wrote it in my notebook,
that holy week,
17th of April.
Said I would want to care or adore—
or love someone.
And it would not be one-sided,
it would be reciprocated.
That I would want to love someone
and be loved too.
I thought it would be amazing or awesome,
to care for someone romantically—
I would want to care for that person,
fill him with my love.
Love someone for who they are,
do sweet things to him.
Yet now
the 13th of September,
I realized there is no such thing as not one-sided
or unrequited in the first stage of love—
how is it possible?
And how will I ever know?
I have never been in love.
And when I am near to falling in love,
I stop myself to get back on track.
The truth is
I am a coward in love,
when I am near to falling—
I stop myself from feeling
because I am a coward in love.
I cannot confess
because we are not fictional characters,
this might not be a slow burn story at all,
I do not want to get my heart burned.
In the end,
you are not even going to hurt me.
In the very end,
I am the one who is going to hurt myself.
They say feelings are always worth feeling
no matter what it is.
Yet sometimes,
it is very irrational.
Feeling things just because they are supposed to feel,
it is tiring.
When I am near to falling in love,
I suspect things,
I get confused—
and I will stop myself from falling.
When I am near to falling in love,
I lose hope,
"Maybe he does not feel the same."
I get heartbreak,
"Because we are very different,
I am nothing like him."
I question,
"If I am just going to break and feel hopeless,
then this makes no sense at all."
And I stop feeling things.
So how will I ever fall in love?
If I am scared of the casualties before it.
How will I ever fall in love?
If I let the universe make the move for me.
How will I ever fall in love?
If I am a coward in love.
Or maybe it is not just the right time
to fall in love just yet.
But what if it is?
And I slipped the chance.
Maybe there will be another chance.
And there,
I would not have to be a coward in love.
