Syrilth; A Dei Realm Tale

Chapter Nine

It was gone. As my body fought to live, I felt the spark nestled within me flicker. Waver. Dissipate as I tried to urge it – and myself – to stay strong. Trapped in the strange limbo between life and death, all I could do was scream. Silently, I mourned so loudly I felt myself crumble beneath its weight. There was no one, but me who could watch as grief tore me into insignificant pieces. Only I could listen as I cursed my foolish existence. In this space where I alone faced myself and all my failures, I wished for death to embrace me. If only to repent for surviving when others hadn't. If only to somehow make up for how severely I had failed those who'd needed me.

~~~

"Will she be alright?" a trembling child's voice danced at the edges of my conscience.

My soul sighed as a familiar timbre responded, "she just needs some time."

Small chubby hands grabbed one of my own, squeezing it as if they could usher in the will to live by touch alone. But so many were gone. We had failed so many. I had failed.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I sobbed where no one could hear.

~~~

Despite the heaviness that urged me to sink deeper into the nothingness, my eyelids fluttered open. A callused hand shielded my eyes as I winced. Too bright.

"We didn't expect you to wake up so soon," Killian rumbled, sounding as if he hadn't slept for several days.

I didn't want to wake up.

His fingers twitched, a barely suppressed flinch. Despair leaked through our bond in spite of his efforts to remain collected. There was a bitter taste on the tip of my tongue. Where were you? I wanted to shout. Where were you when we needed you? When we were all at death's doorstep? I knew grief stole my common sense, my ability to think rationally. Yet my heart raged as I remembered. Gone. Abandoned. There had been no way to reach him, any of them, when I – when we had needed him. Jonathan and Injros had left to help them, I remembered as I turned away from my Beloved. They had also been in trouble. It was a vain attempt to still the storm that raged within, that wanted – needed – someone to take responsibility for what had been lost.

The sight of the child beside me halted my world on its axis. Blonde hair so pale it gleamed in the sunlight, framed her features like a halo. Damaris, I recognized as I took in her sleeping face. Plucked right out of a painting, I wondered in awe as I hesitantly brushed silky tendrils from her face. My niece in bed with me meant we had to be in the Fourth Kingdom. The notion came to no surprise. My brother – the king – would want to keep his family and allies close after such a devastating sequence of attacks from our enemy.

My frozen reality cracked with the first caress of her cheek. It crumbled as I slowly wrapped an arm around her, curling into her as if this child alone could stop the heartbreak that transformed me into something unrecognizable. I couldn't quiet the sobs that heaved my entire being over the edge. Gone. The little spark. Nyra. So many precious lives.

Why? Why? Why?

~~~

Killian spoke to me continuously as the days drifted past in a blur, telling me everything that had occurred while I had been unconscious. I tuned in and out as I watched the branches sway outside my window.

"They had been waiting for us on the other side of the ravine..."

"With Idvinac gone and Aaltael and Eleda injured, we weren't sure if we could even..."