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Thirty-Nine | Fruit Roll Ups

SOTC: I Got So High That I Saw Jesus by Noah Cyrus

Heyyyy everyone!

If you haven't already, please check out last chapter if you read it while it was called 'Madness part one' instead of Prayer. The whole chapter is complete now, and is essential to read before you dive into this one. With that said, I hope you all have a lovely day.

- SodaPopXtreme

Nothing and everything.

On that Monday afternoon in school, I continued staring at myself in the girl's bathroom mirror with those three words swirling in my head, continuing to analyze every feature of my face. I analyzed my jawline and slightly red lips. I analyzed the way my blonde fringe crept to the lashes of my dark eyes. I analyzed the top of my alabaster corset.

But no analyzation told me who I was.

Not anymore.

I should've probably gone back to Ms. Zigenhorn's classroom to hear her ramble about World War I, but when I had any rumble of thought to do that, my subconscious always asked me what I'd do if I did.

The answer was nothing and everything.

I would just sit there and zone out like I had for six periods already, wasting away in my own brain. The presence and absence of nothing and everything would continue rattling yet stabilize me, kill me with neutrality, and bury me without matter.

But throughout the day, faded thoughts about him clouded my head.

Mustafa.

Somehow I ached to see him today yet when I had gotten close to Ms. Zigenhorn's so I could, the chemicals surrounding the parts of my body that were once embraced by him spiked with something. It was something that made me run to the bathroom to regain the daze I've acquired for hours on end. It was better than navigating yet another foreign feeling, even if it still crept on me.

So now I'm here.

"Oh, nah, not yo' face again!"

I briefly glanced to the side as a short girl with fiery red dreads stormed up to me, her cherry converse a fraction of gravitational force away from shattering the floor with each step. That was until she stopped and smacked the counter, the tips of her acrylics sounding out— and not in a relaxing ASMR way.

"Hurry on up and get out, now," Jordyn then ordered. "Girlie, I ain't playing today when I say that cause if I don't fucking get my damn smoke with my friends, I'll be busting this bitch and I'll be busting your face cause ain't no way I'm letting you swing at m—"

"I loved fruit roll ups as a kid."

There was a night chirp pause until Jordyn scoffed, "Bitch, excuse me?"

I continued. "One of my dad's girlfriends always used to buy them for her cheat days, so they were always in the house. Just the idea of eating one when I arrived home gave me a dopamine high, and eating them did, too. Sometimes when I was extra happy beforehand, I'd do the tongue tattoo thing with them."

"What the fu—"

"At one point, fruit roll ups were all I thought about in a day," I confessed. "Nothing else mattered except those five seconds every day where I got to eat my delectable piece of candied paper. I mean, what more could I desire as a kid with no one to ask why my heaven resided in plastic wrapping?"

"GIRL, IF YOU DON'T—"

But I just maintained my cadence. "And suddenly, my dad's girlfriend just stopped buying them. There was no warning prior to their presence exiting our pantry; they just weren't there. And when that happened, I fucking lost my shit. Second grade me free-fell down Google job applications so I could pay for them myself, but obviously, I can't. Eventually, hope had ripped itself from my young soul when the shock faded and the truth dawned on me: my fruit roll ups were gone."

I heard Jordyn shuffle in the background, so I took a pause to exhale and furthered with:

"But despite the misery I swore would never leave my body, I began to eat other different things after school. Some of the things were shit, but I had no choice. Eventually, I found some things I liked or sometimes I wasn't even hungry after school so I'd just watch a show, instead. Sometimes I'd still think about those fruit roll ups, but gradually, I did so less until I couldn't remember when I stopped thinking about them."

I cleared my throat. "One day, in the seventh grade, one of my teachers handed them out because my class did well on a quiz. When I bit into that candy I hadn't had for years, I realized two things." I took a breath. "One, I realized that fruit roll ups are disgusting. Two, I realized that for a time, my sole happiness stemmed from a shallow, short-lived pastime to satisfy a temporary hunger."

"Now I've realized the third thing," I giggled, hanging my head and then staring back into the glossy chocolate pooling around my irises. "That the story I just told you represents my life."

"And one day, Jordyn, you'll realize that it represents yours, too," I finished.

I don't recall looking at her as I then exited the bathroom.