Some Thing Called Myself (Complete)

LXXIII: Something to Desire

Tai bit down their lower lip.

"I...okay, here it goes." They rubbed their face. "Look, it's...it's my fault, Mara." Tai's lips trembled, and they bit hard on them to stop it. "It's my fault that you became a Zombie; that you were hurt—that you died—in our first mission as a Sentinel. I was a bad leader. And after that, I ended up...I hurt you every time I tried to be near you. It felt like a punishment." Tai looked away, their eyes welling up. "You were my girlfriend." Their voice softened. "My little dove, my big everything, and then...because of my mistake...." They trailed off.

Mara arched her eyebrows and stepped toward Tai. The words failed her, but the feeling was pretty clear. Stuck in the past, guilty because of their mistakes, scared to lose the ones they loved the most...Tai was going through the same thing as Mara.

"You were gone before I could even understand what had happened," Tai continued. "You died, a bloody mess on the floor, a fucking Zombie at your heels, and I did what I had to—I killed everyone in my path, I took you back, I...I refused to continue in the role of leader and lover or whatever. My mistake ruined your life, Mara. I seem...to hurt you when I'm around, and...and I don't like that feeling." Tai sniffled.

"I kept my distance, I tried being just friends, but...when you and Bernardo started dating, I...I hated myself. I hated every fucking second of it!" they said, their voice only a few notches higher. "I had hurt you and lost you forever. No matter what I did to fix that, to try and get closer to you again, all I could do was...make things worse. And you hated me, Mara, I saw it in your eyes. You had so much contempt, and you resented me so much."

Mara let out a breath she didn't know was holding and took yet another step toward them.

"No. Stay away!" They winced. "Sorry. S-sorry, I...shit, Mara. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, even saying the words, I...you must hate me again." Tai sniffled. They paced the room like a mindless machine, a scared monarch close to losing their crown and kingdom. "I wanted you so much, Mariana. I burnt for you so hot. But every time I take even a step toward you, every time I glance your way, I manage to do some stupid shit. I manage to hurt you, again and again." They sobbed now, loud and unashamed. "And I thought I could step aside and just let you be happy with Bernardo, but it fucking hurts!" They lowered their head.

Tai glanced at her and continued, "It hurt like a motherfucker, but you seemed so happy when you two announced your wedding. Then you came back, I tried to be close to you again, I fucked everything up, and you went back to Bernardo, as usual. But you seemed happy, so I was too. And it's...it's all I want, Mara. It doesn't matter to me if you're with him or someone else. I just want you to be happy, which is why I need to stay away—do you understand?"

They stood there in silence while Mara digested those words, and Tai sniffled over them. Mara had had bits and pieces of that story, but hearing it told like that....

"Hey, Tai?"

They looked at her.

"Fuck you."

Tai seemed surprised at first, but let out a sad chuckle right after. They breathed in and out and nodded as if accepting her anger. Tai stepped toward the door without a word. She let them go as her brain worked. The wisps of memories now made sense. The thoughts, the desire, the pain in Tai's every action were now being brought to light. She saw them.

She understood.

When Tai was about to open the door, Mara gripped their wrist. They faced her.

"I can't believe we lost so much time because of this, but I get it. Guilt is something that can really consume someone—I truly, truly get it." She touched a finger in the middle of their chest and pushed until Tai's back rested against the door; their eyes widened, and their lips parted. "But you don't get to make these choices alone. Your mistake ruined my life? I must hate you? That's bullshit, Taiguara." Mara scoffed. "Tai, I...I can't hate you." She reached for their face and brushed a lock of hair behind their ear. "This Zombie thing? The coolest shit that ever happened to me. I have a whole ass mycelium network inside me right now that works like a second brain; it's one of the most incredible biological structures on planet Earth."