Anyways where do I start where do I finish. Thinking about this is so.
I want to clear everything up, without doing exactly happened, because I won't react the same, I won't curse people out, what a waste of my time, having a person cursing you out for multiple things you didn't do.
Let's start from the being. Me and Leon were messing around which lead to us relapsing because of how the server reacted. There were lies so many.
Zero added Angel back into the old and new server, he allowed this behaviour. Despite making it clear he was 'done with her'. I guess toxicity runs in their veins.
Then there was another incident, where I did nothing but again felt betrayed.
He will tell you that I walked away when he opened up, yet I stayed he left, because my friend had access to his socials. He didn't like the fact that I couldn't cuss him out and that other people wanted to defined me. I never have cussed him out, believe it or not. Why? Because it's not my thing, telling a person to F off multiple times, when your the victim it hurts, it feels like a slap to the face.
He walked away before he could open up, he didn't trust me, he really wasn't afraid of his truth but more afraid people saw the real zero, the one he won't show in servers, the one that will make you look like the crazy psychopath.
Even now I'm explaining my side, calmly and without cussing anyone out (Wish I could -Leon)
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He needs someone to talk to? I was there, he used so many excuses, apologised, oh no I was patient, I didn't sleep, I stayed up late, I didn't care I stayed up when we was struggling mentally. Did he um do that? Check up on me? Fake? I was honest. I was so honest and respectful I didn't tell a whole server about private information to 'save myself' but you did, I don't think you understood the damage in that, and what's worst is I didn't start it. You ignored me only to text me when it was convenient. You only texted me after finding about the incident.
You did all of that, and I could no longer see zero, because it did feel one sided, it did feel like I wasn't special or loved, your 'I love you' felt empty, it didn't feel like you meant it.
And I told you that you would leave when I mess up because of all my trauma, and you couldn't handle that, you couldn't handle the broken bella. Even if I could care and love your broken shattered soul, even if I felt my hands bleeding for you. Your hands would never bleed for me, maybe a scratch or small tear. But you don't ache for me the way I did. You didn't love the full bella, you loved what you saw. You loved the idea of me, and when I was too low and broken you could no longer handle her.
I kept my pain a secret, I kept it all away. Because your pain was more important than mine, my pain meant nothing but an empty emotion sitting in a dark room.
You never opened up to me, sure about your differences, sure about some family stuff, but you just gave me what I wanted to hear. And I was patient until I finally realised that you didn't love me fully.
My heads empty but it won't stop screaming, my energy is low but my head won't stop spinning, it's past my bed time, yet I stay up hoping, maybe one day I'll have the same love I felt back then, maybe as I type right now I can go back to sleep, but the days ahead of me and the days real busy, as I type out my heart my face won't run empty, of the aching tears that paint it, of the love I longed for I could never get back, the love I thought I had will never come back. So I sit staring, my mind knows how stupid it is, that I didn't listen to my soul when it said this person was in disguise, that your heart knows the truth yet to not ignore your mind, that this person you think that loves you will only break the bottle for you, leaving you to bleed on your own leaving your hands all bloody, as they take a large piece off the bottle whilst you put the shattered pieces back to together.
*my nose all snotty, and my eyes won't lie dry, as my heart feels fragile, my body my mind has given up, my belly hurts from hunger, yet I simply can not eat, my eyes want to close yet I can not sleep, my mind so tired I can not think, for I have been addicted to the forbidden fruit that I have had it all, and now my body withdraws, and it was more hurtful than addictive, that I wouldn't want anyone taking a bite and wishing that upon my worst enemies, cause once you have a small taste you'll be left with madness*
I tried, I tried, really I did, I tried but being in the middle was draining, and I don't think people understood how not choosing a side was draining, that not defending myself was draining, that getting yelled at constantly was painful, even if I didn't do anything, and someone else did. I would get the blame in the end.
Cretureinchine makes me wanna throw up when I see a rubber duck. I no longer like ducks, or the word zero because it reminds me of all the pain.
Leon:
Mf drove me to try and kill myself. Need I say anymore? (I think you do need to say more Leon, where do you start? -Bella) Ok uhm, I trusted Zero with a lot and HE KNOWS how bad my mental health is cause he told Angel and Simon to leave me alone due to it. Then I went on his second account (He blocked me on his main) and started being a little shithead because he hurt Bella and I'm protective over my friends. So I said something that I can't remember and his response was "Go die❤️" which obviously sets me off. So stuff happens in the study server and ANGEL GETS INVOLVED telling something like"I hope you die" or something while 'protecting' Zero. So immediately I was like, "GREAT I HAVE 2 PEOPLE WHO'VE GIVEN ME PERMISSION TO DIE" so I attempted. I'm not proud of it but I've learnt to not blame myself for it. When I was texting in that server again to just update about my situation, Zero was still being an asshole so I decided to texts him an apology on Instagram (Back when I was blaming myself) then decided I'm done with that asshole.
Ps. He insulted my religion, like what are you on mate?, how does the saying go 'love thy neighbours', you can't even follow your own religion beliefs rules, cherry picking stuff to make a religion convenient isn't a thing. Also I go to a catholic school so I am well educated unlike your German ass.
