The whole month of January had passed, and that conversation was never followed. It only strengthens my disappointment because it confirmed my wrong judgement about how he feels about me.
I thought he's interested... and being interested means he likes me, right? Or am I wrong? Isn't it what it really likes?
I sighed.
I guess it isn't.
I am already in the third month of the year, almost fourth, and my internship already began long ago.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes tightly.
This day is still yet to start, but I feel tired already. I don't feel like teaching, and I'm not in the mood to face my students because I don't have the energy to do so.
I am drained. I feel so exhausted that I don't even want to come to school today.
But being a teacher means that you have to set aside your emotions and remain professional all the time. You have to do your job whilst crying and struggling... because the priority will always be the students and their learnings, not teachers.
Perhaps this is why the profession of the teacher is the most noble job of all... it's not because we make other professions. It is because we are giving our lives, time and sacrifices ourselves in shaping the future and behaviour of the students.
I'm still on my internship, and yet, I've seen and experienced the responsibilities of this profession. It is hard... it has always been hard.
But what's making it more hard is that... this was never a dream for me. Just like others, I wanted to fall in love with this course, too. So, I'll be more determined... so I'll be more passionate.
However, I'm on my last semester this year, and still, I can't find my purpose here.
...
The day went on as it should. I impart knowledge despite my heart getting heavier as time continuously passes by. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but this is one of the days where I just want to run and surrender everything I've started.
To me, there were kinds of days.
Without knowing the reason, I feel like crying... I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown anytime.
But, of course, as a teacher, I have to control my emotions. So, during my classes, I'm trying to divert my attention. Somehow, the students have that kind of magic. Once I began teaching and speaking in front of them, I became immersed to it.
I'm already at my last class, and I was roaming around the classroom. I gave the students a seatwork, and I'm making sure that they are all complying with the task.
After doing some rounds and addressing some of their concerns about the activity, I went out of the classroom to breathe. We are on the second floor, so I walked towards the railings and let my eyes wander around the school grounds.
I took a deep breath.
After this class, I'll be able to rest... And I hope, before I go home today, I'll feel better.
