Ghosts (Camren)

Chapter 13

After work, I headed straight home to take a shower. I needed to think. Being under the steady stream of water always seemed to provide me with great insight. I needed a plan for how to get Camila back. My best ideas came to me when I was in the shower.

While I was getting undressed, I mentally went over all that had happened. Everything with Camila flashed to my mind firsthand, but then I started thinking about my conversation with Normani. I could hardly believe how stupid I'd been. Her words hurt, but it was what I needed to hear. She had this specific hold on me, and I just began to understand how unhealthy our relationship was. It was damaging; Not only to my feelings and self esteem, but to my growth and development as a person. I had a false perception of what love was. That wasn't love at all. That wasn't even being a friend.

Now that I was immersed under the hot water, I could think clearly. It made sense to me why I had such a hard time distinguishing between Camila and Normani. Their motives were different. Normani wanted to keep me under her wing because she was used to having me cater to her every whim. Camila just wanted the purest form of friendship. There were no ulterior motives to her befriending me nor to our steadily improving relationship - up until I messed it up.

I suddenly began to feel worse for what I'd done. I did it all for a person that I mean nothing to. I wasn't even sure if I could believe a positive word she said. Was it sincere or was it all just another part of her plan to keep me under her spell? Normani was using me for her own selfish advances and Camila was nothing but golden to me.

She was never the distraction. Normani was. At the end of the day, Normani was the one distracting me from something that could've ultimately been the best thing to ever happen to me. Camila was the symbol of hope that Normani desperately kept trying to subdue. We never truly had a chance. Although it was extremely painful for me to hear and accept, I saw Normani for who she really is. Never in a million years would I have thought that our past was based on something unrequited. However, with Camila, everything was reciprocated to the same magnitude. I could see it. I could envision us. Camila was tangible. Normani and I were just a mirage.

But I screwed up so badly. And I knew exactly how she felt. I did to her what Normani did to me in lesser terms. I made her feel inferior. I gave her mixed signals and only clouded her mind with doubt. I kept her on edge, hoping she could finally have me all to herself, then I practically slapped her in the face with my twisted reality. I've been on the other end. But I wasn't a tyrant like her. I didn't do it out of spite, but it was selfish. But karma is a bitch, and I'm definitely feeling the repercussions of my choice now.

I've got to go see her. Time wouldn't fix this and neither would a dumb apology over text. I needed to just wear my heart out on my sleeve instead of being so guarded all the time. I have nothing to lose except for her. And now she's everything to me. Losing Camila completely is quite a lot at stake. That was something I refused to do.

-

"Just go," I urged myself under my breath for the umpteenth time. I sat with my hands nervously drumming against my thighs. I'd been sitting here for almost ten minutes, too scared to get out of the car to go ring her doorbell.

I already knew that giving her any notion that I would be coming over would backfire. She would probably skip town if she knew I was on my way. I was tired of giving her her space. I was tired of respecting her wishes, when those wishes were founded on the belief that I wasn't committed to her. Proving otherwise was my main priority. My time was running out. It was crucial for me to lay it all out on the line if I wanted to salvage what we had.

"Okay," I exhaled to calm myself and then I let myself out of the car. I padded up Camila's insanely long driveway with my hands shoved in my pockets. I wasn't going to try any tricks or impress her. I was going to bear my feelings, using honesty to hopefully win her over.