in the ends // jaq

15

JAQ'S POV

I feel like i've fucked up my whole life.

I couldn't believe she was gone. My sister. My blood fucking sister. Yeah, we had our ups and downs but that was still my family, and we ride out for family, no matter what. We grew up together. I'd seen every one of her relationships, had to fuck up a couple of her exes, too, safe to say they never came back. She was the first person who clocked and that I told I was gay. I saved her from Curtis and she saved me from myself. A huge part of my life was gone, just like that.

I didn't think I'd ever actually see Lauryn just go. I know I literally forced her to leave last year but with that I knew she was alive, I still had contact with her and I brought her home. Looking back, I really wish I'd done more. I wish I was kinder to her. I wish I wasn't so cold and bored with the situation. I should've been more worried about her than what Dushane and Sully were saying.

Lots of people were hurting right now.

I'll never be able to forget my mums cries when I told her.

Furthermore, my relationship is fucked. Aaliyah left with the baby the other day, she went back to her own flat. I shouldn't've shouted. We shouldn't've argued. We're both suffering right now, she's been looking out for me so much she didn't even noticed that I realised the pain in her eyes too. I heard her crying in the night time while she was comforting me. I mean, she lost her best friend of 20 something years. I should've been there for her but instead I lashed out and she left. I just hope she can forgive me.

There's so much I regret and no time to take it all back.

I was sat silently on my table drinking a red bull and then someone rung my doorbell. I looked at it, expecting the person to give up and walk away until she called, "Jaq, it's Mandy, babe, I brought you some shopping," She called, ringing again, causing me to kiss my teeth, "I bought you some food." I sighed heavily and reluctantly got up to answer the door.

"You're good?" She asked, as soon as I opened the door to let her in.

"Mm," I mumbled, going back into my yard and sitting down on my table. I began to roll up another spliff.

Mandy went into my kitchen with her shopping bags, "I bought you some stewed chicken from Junior's, told me to send his condolences for Lauryn," She explained ruffling through the bags, "I also got you some fruit from Ridley's."

"Love, for that," I say, as she began to put stuff away.

"Nah, it's a minor, sis," She told me, she came over to the table and placed the bowl of fruit down. "Where's the baby?"

"With Aaliyah, at hers," I murmured, not looking up at Mandy.

"It can't be good for you, locking yourself away like this, alone," She told me.

"I just need to be by myself for a bit," I said, glancing at her briefly.

"Jaq, I hope you're not losin' that champion swag of yours," She said to me.

I shook my head and shrugged a little, "Better than facin' a world full of bullshit at the minute, I can't lie." I told her.

Mandy paused and then spoke again, "When I was in pen," She began, "You know what I got done for, right? Man slaughter. But a man died, and he shouldn't be dead. And the fact is, I was fully involved, innit," She explained, "First few years, I couldn't accept responsibility for what I did."

I scrunched my face up, "What are you tryna say here?" I asked, aggressively. Why the fuck was this woman giving me her whole life story?

"Jaq, I'm gonna say it clear because it needs to be said," She told me and I continued staring at her with a bitch-face, "Beautiful Lauryn's dead because she took drugs that you sell."