Watchers [Levi x Erwin short story + Hange & Mike]

The Desert Fox

A few hours had passed since Mike visited. It was now 5pm, dinner. Levi didn't make dinner much. He either ate something quick or nothing at all. Tonight though, Levi wanted to make something special. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They weren't special at all. Only to Levi.
Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were Erwin's favorite. Levi assumed that Erwin would come around dinner, since that was when they'd spend time together when he was alive.

Levi sat at the dark round table in the apartment. In front of the seat in front of him was another plate of PBJ sandwiches. He stared at them, waiting. 30 minutes had passed since he sat down. Was Erwin not coming? Where was he? Did something come up? The questions circled Levi's head.

There was no point in waiting any longer. Levi was starving. He took a bit from one of his PBJ sandwiches, it was plain. Grossly plain.

"This tastes amazing."

Levi paused mid-chew and stared across the table.

Erwin Smith.

The 13th Commander.

Now Levi's lover.

He was here.

In front of Levi.

Levi couldn't breath.

Levi couldn't feel the PBJ any longer.

Levi couldn't think.

Levi couldn't hear those words.

All Levi could do was stare at Erwin. His body wouldn't move an inch.

Erwin let out a small chuckle and rose from the seat. He then came over to Levi and grabbed his hand, lifting him out of the seat. Levi did so.

Both men stood there, one with PBJ stuffed in one side of his mouth, the other loving every bit of it. "You look like a Guinea pig. It's adorable" Levi continued to stare up at Erwin, sandwich still in hand. He then swallowed the PBJ and said,"Erwin..you're here.."
Erwin tucked a lock of Levi's hair behind his ear. "To think I would miss a splendid dinner of PBJs, this must me more serious than I thought," Erwin said, his mouth moving fluently upward.

"Sorry that they tasted plain."

"What do you mean? They tasted amazingly."

"You're only saying that. I'm pathetic for messing up such a simple thing."

The smile of Erwin's face disappeared. In its place was a concerned look. Erwin's brows furrowed deeply. Levi felt a sudden guilt. Perhaps he shouldn't have said that.

"Y'know, it wasn't until my 30s that I learned to properly spread Peanut butter," Erwin said, letting go of Levi's hand and then placing his under Levi's chin. The taller man lifted Levi's chin gently, making the shorter man look into his eyes. "Levi.." In that moment, Levi pulled away from his grasp. He couldn't take it anymore. Why were they all being so nice to him? Why did Erwin act like he still loved him? None of these questions will be answered. They never had been, so why would they be now?

"I- I need a moment.." Levi said under his breath. This was all too much for him. Levi rushed to the bathroom, shutting the door quickly. He had to get this suffocating feeling out. To get this..punishment. He needed to be punished. Last time he'd gone easy on himself. This time, it will be worse.

Levi didn't have a knife or scissors. Opening the cabinet, Levi searched. He found the razor he'd used to shave. This would do. Levi then stood at the sink, pressing the blade up to his arm. Should I... No. Now isn't the time for second guessing. Levi had to do it NOW.
Slowly, Levi sliced the razor through his skin. It didn't do much at first, but he kept at it. Each time would be harder and harder. By the time Levi did it a fourth time, his arm was covered in blood. The pain shot throughout his body. It needed to be done. He had fucked up again. Erwin hated him, Levi just knew it. The blood dripped down onto the floor.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

The sudden knocking startled Levi. He stared down at the blood. Perhaps he could- "What's going on in there?" It was Erwin. There was no time to clean up. Levi rolled his sleeve down and opened the door slowly, making sure that Erwin didn't see the blood behind or on him. "Y-yes?" STOP STAMMERING YOU PEST. Erwin pushed the door open forcefully. Which was easy since it was Levi holding it. Levi stammered back and placed a hand on the bloody sink.

The blood dripped down from Levi's sleeve onto the floor. Erwin stared, sorrowfully. He rolled Levi's sleeve up gently, inspecting the damage. There were scars on every corner of his arm. Blood soaked the pale skin of his lover. Erwin let go and searched the cabinet for bandages. Levi just watched, feeling guilty. What was Erwin going to think? Was he going to hate him for such actions?

He didn't.

He never had.

Those were just lies.

Don't listen to them.

Please don't..

Erwin retrieved the bandages and led Levi out into the brightly lit living room. The light blinded Levi. It had been a good while since he turned more than a lamp on.
At the couch, Erwin doctored Levi's wounds. Levi watched, taking in every movement. Erwin did love him. Why wouldn't he? Does he? He was doctoring Levi's wounds. Perhaps he was just doing it out of anger.

Once Erwin was done, he looked up at Levi. "I'm sorry that I had left you, Levi. This..wasn't within my plan," Erwin said, squeezing Levi's hand gently. Levi looked down at Erwin's hand. It was still strong and healthy. Still there.

Drip...

A single tear fell from Levi's eyes. How come? He had no reason to cry. No position. Not even deserving of it. At least..Levi thought so.

"Levi. It's not your fault. None of this is. You're the victim, not the pursuer. This world. This life. It's not fair and it's getting into your head. Please Levi..don't listen to the lies."

Please..

Levi tightened his grip on Erwin's hand. He wanted to believe Erwin, but he couldn't. The lies. The voices. The world. Everything kept crawling back. Every time Levi looked up at Erwin, Hange, Mike, or anyone. They came back. The memories from before. Mike being eaten. Hange fighting off those titans. Erwin dying when he could've saved him. If only he hadn't listened to that murderer. Erwin would've still been there.
If only Levi had saved those cadets. Saved his friends. Saved humanity.

If only.

If only..

If only...