Hunger [H.S]

July (part 2)

A fortnight on a private island, isolated from the world, was an intense way to get under each other's skin. They went through deep talks about their childhoods, problematic eras of teen years and young adulthood, complicated relationships and all the dirty laundry was aired. Harry was determined to let Frankie in and share whatever she needed, so she in turn felt comfortable sharing, what might be the key to unlocking her insecurities.

Harry had lived a very different life to Frankie, naturally. He had seen most of the world, met powerful people, had his share of relationships and broken a lot of hearts. He admitted to having been an arsehole on several occasions, and that he had taken advantage of his position. He had been selfish and narrow minded, and he had gone after women, he shouldn't have. He had ruined marriages and relationships, only to lose interest and let his eyes and hands wander. He had worked intensely on himself in therapy, and realised he needed something to ground him.

Frankie admired how open and honest he was. Everyone had a past, and neither she nor anyone else should judge him for what he had done before. "The fact that you've owned up to your wrongdoings and that you've worked on yourself speaks volumes of your character, Harry. If you had no regrets, it would have been different." She was lying in his arms on the bed.

Harry drew in his breath and sighed. "I went to a really dark place for a while. I thought I'd fucked my life up. I needed medication to even leave the house. It was pretty bad."

"I guess it's the lows that let us appreciate the highs sometimes." Frankie's voice was small, as she started to open up a bit. "I was never like my friends. Always chubby and awkward. People liked me, like the comedic relief. I don't know, if it was like that, but I always had this idea that people kept me close, because they felt it made them look better to have someone like me around. My parents were proud of me because I was smart, kind to everyone and I caused no trouble. None of the boys looked at me like they did at my friends. And the one time someone did, he was bullied for having kissed me. I was just never it for anyone. You get to a point where their truth becomes yours as well. It's easier to try and hide than to claim your place in the world. I accepted that I wasn't even second or third best, I was the absolute last choice. So the attention I got was from guys, who hadn't found a shag by the time the 'last orders' bell dinged. The 'I guess you'll do'-crowd." Frankie felt vulnerable, but she kept going. "I kind of stopped caring. I hated my body and didn't really care what happened to it."

"And because you've always hated your body, you keep not trusting it, criticizing it and letting yourself down?" Harry whispered into her hair.

A tear ran down Frankie's cheek, and landed on Harry's chest. He sat up so he could pull her closer to hold her and look into her eyes.

"We become tough on ourselves, because that's the easiest person to bully and control. You've heard a lot of shit from a lot of people, and some of it may have come from a place of love, but a lot of it has come from ignorance and prejudice. You have scars, not visible ones, but on the inside. Every negative comment or hateful remark has left a wound. Even the comments you think and make yourself. There's nothing to say against the insecurities you have, Frankie. Anyone would feel that way." He kissed the top of her head and pulled her close, so she could bury her face in his chest and let the tears out.

"Truthfully Frankie, when you compare yourself to other women, don't you see anything beautiful in yourself?" Harry tucked her hair away from her face, and stroked her cheek. 

Frankie sniffled and stayed quiet for a while. She was contemplating how she really felt. "Well. before I leave the house, I can look at myself and think that I look alright. I have nice cheekbones and my eyes are pretty." Harry nodded and agreed with her, as she paused to think of a way to phrase, what she was about to say. "But when I leave the house, I don't see it anymore. As soon as I stand next to someone, and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or a reflection in a window, I see all the flaws immediately. I compare myself, and wish I was more like other people. That I didn't have such round arms, that my belly was flat, and that I had a thigh gap. No matter how I try to think of my posture, I always look like I have a hump, and my double chin is always there when I'm out. I don't always see it in the mirror at home, but I can be sure that every photo from a night out, will have me sporting a hump and a double chin. That's why I've always hated having photos taken. Ever since school where I always ended up with unflattering school photos, while my friends looked so pretty in theirs."