My newfound home (discontinued)

Decisions

!!TW!! - mentions of abuse, sh, panic attack, anxiety

RILEY'S POV

The next morning I find myself re-reading the contract over and over again. I thought about my dad and how proud he would be. I thought about how I could be reunited with Esme but most importantly I thought about the escape from my abusive mother.

My finger hovered over Sarina's contact. My hands were shaking. I pressed the call button sitting patiently as my phone rang waiting for Sarina to answer. Maybe this was a bad idea? I was biting my nails as after what felt like ages but was really only a few seconds Sarina answered.

"Ah Rylan, I've been waiting for you to call me!" I hear Sarina's voice through the phone. I take a big deep breath attempting to calm my anxiety which was at it's peak.

"h-hi Sarina I've made my decision" My voice is shaky as I speak. I slowly start to regret my decision, it's not too late to say no.

"That's great, I'm excited to hear what you have chosen. If you do choose to not take this offer just know that I will support your decision and I will always be here if you do change your mind at any point." She states. Fuck. I can't do this. My heart is beating out of my chest and my palms are becoming clammy from sweat.

"I'd like to take the offer " I manage to blurt out just above a whisper. There's no going back now.

"I'm so glad that you've chosen to take the offer. I cannot wait to have you on the team, I will send you all of the details for the upcoming camp" Sarina tells me. My mum is going to kill me.

"T-thank you for this opportunity i-im looking forwards to it I p-promise I won't let you down" I respond barely being able to complete the sentence as I stutter over my words. God this is so embarrassing.

"I believe that you won't let me down, Rylan. I'm excited for you to join our team. I'll see you in a week" I cringe at the name but don't bother to try and correct her. I looked down at my phone to see that the call had ended and I had already been sent all of the information that I needed for the upcoming camp starting next week.

I quickly scan through the message and see that my driver would arrive at my house around 7am next Monday so that we would arrive around lunch time. I decided to make my way to the bathroom to have a shower. 

I see that my mothers car was gone meaning that she wasn't home. She must've left early this morning.

I find myself staring at my body in the mirror once again, tracing over my self-inflicted cuts and scars. I have a blade in my right hand, my eyes fixed on my arms and thighs littered with cuts and scars. I bring my shaky hand up to my wrist and place the blade against my skin.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6.

Tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I make my way down to my thighs.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5..... 9.

I froze, realising what I had just done. My arms and thighs now dripping with blood. The feeling I know too well starts to come back. My breathing starts to quicken and my vision starts to spin, I try to grab onto the bathroom vanity to stabilise myself. I was spiralling down. Fast. I could hear ringing in my ears and my head was pounding.

I sit down onto the floor leaning my back against the bathtub. I bring my knees up to my chest and place my head in my hands. I couldn't breathe, was I going to die?

 I try to focus on my breathing using the technique Esme taught me. Breathe in for 4, hold for 7 and exhale for 8. 

After what felt like forever my breathing was now stable and my vision was clear. I look down to see dried up blood covering my arms and thighs deciding to finally get into the shower to clean my cuts to ensure that they won't get infected.

I step into our old run down shower and turn on the taps standing under the showerhead. I feel ice cold water hit my back and I shriek quickly jumping out of the cold shower. Great, my mum hasn't paid the water bills this month. I had to shower though so I had no choice but to have a freezing cold shower.

I gently clean my cuts wincing at the stinging sensation. Once I had washed my body I carefully stepped out of the shower being careful to not slip over on the now wet tiles. I dry my body getting changed into a pair of grey joggers and my blue Nike hoodie.

I grab a new pack of bandages that I bought the other day carefully opening them and wrapping my arms so that my fresh cuts weren't exposed.

I didn't have any plans for the day so ultimately decided to not try and cover up the bruising on my face. I made sure to clean the cut on my face to help the healing process and to also make sure it wouldn't get infected.

I already know it's going to cause a lot of suspicions when I arrive at camp, especially to Esme. But Esme doesn't know everything that goes on at home.

Esme knows that my mother abuses me. But she doesn't know it's this bad. She thinks that my mum only occasionally yells at me and sometimes hits me well. That's what I told her. She doesn't know about my mothers alcohol and drug addiction or how she actually beats me every night. She doesn't know that I get starved or that I sleep on the ground.

Esme knows about adhd, anxiety, ocd, anger management and dyslexia as she helped me get all of my diagnoses. But I told her that I was taking all my medication and that everything was better. Lie. I never take my medication and nothing was better, everything's worse but I refuse to tell anyone that.

I make up lies for every injury I get, Esme has never seen the large stab wound across half my back or all of my self-inflicted cuts. I don't plan on telling her either.

I told her that the reason I got glass in my eye causing me to go half blind was because I was out at night and fell over and a piece of glass managed to get in my eye and surprisingly she believed me.

You see Esme is like my big sister and she worries too much. If I told her any of this she'd freak out and treat me like a fragile baby. I don't want any of her pity, I'm not weak. I can deal with all of this by myself.

She doesn't even know about my fake ID. I'm very secretive about my life and don't like anybody knowing anything. The only reason Esme knows was because she confronted me and I broke down in tears.

I was deep in thought when suddenly the sound of a key snapped me out of my thoughts. My mum was home. I hear the front door creak open followed by my mum mumbling to herself meaning that she was definitely drunk.

I sneak to the top of the stairs peeking down to see my mum stumble towards the couch with a bottle of alcohol in her hand. She crashes onto the couch passing out almost immediately.

I wasn't going to risk getting caught knowing that would end badly so I quickly made an exit and made my way back to my room deciding to have a nap for a few hours.

A/N

this chapter is only short but next chapter will be Tally going to camp! Thank you for over 200 reads I hope you're enjoying this book so far.