My newfound home (discontinued)

Exhausted

!!TW!! - mentions of SH, ED, nightmares

*RILEY'S POV*

My eyes flutter open as I sit up in my bed leaning against the headboard. I glance around the room taking in my surroundings to be met with Esme fast asleep next to me and Leah sound asleep in her bed only a few metres away from my bed.

I don't exactly remember how Esme ended up in bed with me but I'm only guessing that it was my begging her to stay because I didn't want to be left alone. I reach across to Esme's phone as it lights up and the time reads 7am.

I felt so refreshed after finally getting a full night's sleep without getting interrupted by my nightmares. I carefully slip out of my bed making sure to not disturb Esme. I make my way to my suitcase grabbing a fresh set of training gear before making my way into the bathroom for a shower.

I lock the bathroom door to ensure that no one walks in before placing my clothes on top of the counter. I strip my clothes off leaving me in only my underwear and sports bra. I look at the bruises covering my whole top half which are slowly fading away before running my hands over my SH scars. I quickly made sure that my cuts from a few days ago were not infected, which luckily they weren't. I still haven't told anyone about my SH and I don't plan on telling anyone soon. Especially Esme. She already knows enough and I don't need her worrying anymore.

I stopped staring at my body and stepped into the shower turning it on. The scalding hot water ran down my back as I stood under the shower head staring at the wall in front of me. I could feel myself getting more and more lost in my own thoughts and I knew I had to get myself out of there before I spiralled even further.

I sat down on the bathroom floor as tears ran down my cheeks. What was going on? I was fine a few minutes ago. I couldn't control myself. My sobs were muffled by the sound of the shower. I wasn't sure when but at some point I had started to scratch my wrists causing cuts to reopen from a few days ago. Blood was trickling down my arm and at the sight of that my mind had stopped.

Everything was silent again. Then it hit me. What have I done? Why did I do that?

I quickly stood up off the ground and ran my arms under the water until the bleeding stopped. After the bleeding had stopped I stepped out of the shower and wrapped my towel around my body. I didn't bring any bandages into the bathroom as I hadn't intended on doing anything so I would just have to leave my long sleeves on and risk them getting infected.

I dried off my body and slipped on a fresh pair of underwear followed by my training shorts. I followed by putting on my sports bra but before I could even grab my t-shirt I found myself once again staring at my body in the mirror.

You're so fat

You need to lose weight

No one will love you if you're this fat

You're overweight

You're ugly

You deserve to be abused

Starve yourself

My mind screamed at me. I couldn't help but let the tears spill out of my eyes. I look around my body looking at all of the ugly scars and bruises I have all over my body. I grab at the skin around my stomach staring down at it. I needed to lose some of this fat. I was gaining too much weight.

In reality that was the opposite of what I needed. I was severely underweight and needed to eat more but that wasn't what my mind was telling me. I quickly shoved my long sleeve undershirt on followed by my training shirt and my training jacket.