Coward

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He had eye bags under his eyes and his eyes were burning. His joints were aching and his back was killing him. There was a sharp pain around his throat. Especially at the front and his right hand as well as his throat had a red tint. He didn't want to think about what caused this. And Shane could clearly feel his pounding headache that wasn't only the hangover's fault. His right hand was twitching and his hair was a mess from all the pulling it had to endure not too long ago.

Shane was tired. So incredibly tired. But not the kind of tired that makes you want to lie down and sleep. It was the kind of tired that made you want to sleep forever. The kind of tired that makes you want to take a knife and slit your throat. The kind of tired that makes you want to take a handful of white pills and flush it down with beer. The kind of tired that makes you brave to do something you'd never normally do.

The room was dimly lit by the window above Shane's bed. Even after he had tried to make it darker by placing a blanket over it. It smelled like dust, sweat and there was something rotting in one of the corners in the room. And was that the smell of blood coming from under the bed? And of course there was the ever so disgusting stench of beer. Bottles littered all around the room. Mostly under the bed, where the blood smell was the strongest. The room was locked. There was a small light in Shane's vision, except for the half assed covered window, the reflection coming from a small knife Shane had hastily thrown under the bed. There was a bottle of pills on the carpet, an open bottle, many pills had spilled onto the carpet. It was pain medication. Shane was on the floor with a beer bottle in hand. Classic.

He felt dirty. Like he had just been dragged through the mud. His eyes were puffy red from all the tears they had to spill. His tongue, his lips and inner cheeks hurt as well from all the biting to keep in the sounds of pain and sorrow. He was sweaty and he had spilled some of the beer all over himself. And then there was the Iron smell of blood coming from..Shand didn't want to even think about why there was any blood or where it came from.

Shane was lucky that Marnie and Jas wouldn't come back until tomorrow evening. He didn't want Jas to see him like this. And he wouldn't even be surprised if Marnie were to  kick him out or send him to the place where you send nutcases, if she found him like this.

He was such a fucking disappointment. When he was a kid they called him smart and mature but lazy would always follow after those weak compliments at parents teacher meetings. As if those teachers ever cared about a kid like Shane. Shane wasn't enough of anything for them to care. He wasn't a genius. He wasn't incredibly great at sports, he wasn't popular, he wasn't a troublemaker or a teacher's pet. He was just.. average. Maybe a tiny bit above average at most. He mostly went under the radar as a kid.

He didn't have absolutely no friends but he wasn't surrounded by a dozen people that cared about him. Nothing much had changed when he turned into an adult. Until his now dead friends came into his life. They were the light to Shane. When they had a daughter and named Shane their child's godfather he couldn't have been happier. But there was something that he hid from his friends, Shane had started drinking. He had done it as a teen and never quite quit.

And then there was the day that Shane fucked up not only his own life but the life of a small family.

Shane was drinking at a bar and kept getting calls from his two friends. He ignored them all. He even got annoyed. He continued drinking.