Yes, My Queen (Black Butler)

Chapter 41

I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I wandered aimlessly around the suite, hoping to find something to distract me. I took a bath in the large and lavish bathroom, I organized my massive closet, I even practiced with my swords. Nothing helped. I just wanted to find Sebastian and apologize.

I shook my head. Yes, I probably did need to apologize for shouting, but the words I'd spoken to him were the truth. I needed for people to stop coddling me and telling me everything is going to be okay. I needed to feel my fear. It's what got me this far. It was going to be what pushed me the rest of the way.

Suddenly I wished I'd never gotten my memory back. If I hadn't remembered everything about who I was or what I was supposed to do, would I be any safer? The red haired demon had already tried to kill me once before I'd remembered, so it was unlikely.

I sighed, dropped my swords, and let myself fall to the floor, tears threatening my eyes again. What am I supposed to do?

"Chrys?"

I looked up from the floor to see Sarah had silently entered. "What are you doing here?" I asked her, wincing at the sound of my voice as I held back my sobs.

"Nevermind that, what's wrong?" She approached me slowly, as if I was a scared cat that could attack at any moment.

I looked back at the ground, at my discarded swords a foot away. "I couldn't sleep. I thought I'd train some more, but..."

I didn't look up as I felt her sit on the floor beside me. "Are you that frightened?"

I nodded, fresh tears escaping my eyes. "I'm terrified. And I'm afraid I've upset Sebastian."

"What happened?"

I told her. I cried and told her about how I'd felt so anxious and that I was tired of everyone telling me everything was going to be okay when I knew it wasn't, when my visions repeatedly told me it wasn't. I wanted someone to sit with me and let me feel my fear. I wanted someone to understand rather than try to force it away.

"Chrys, you know he's only trying to help, don't you?" Sarah asked.

"Of course I know that. And I hope he knows that I really do appreciate it. I just can't keep pretending that everything will work out for the best in the end when my visions keep telling me the exact opposite."

"But that's exactly why your visions are so important. The more we know of what is to come, the more we can prevent it. Chrys, look at me." I did. "The more you tell us, the better prepared we can be. These visions are not a curse."

"I know all that, Sarah. I've been telling everyone everything I've seen. I just don't understand how everyone else can be so positive about what's going to happen after all of the horrible things I've had to watch happen." I was shaking now, my body wracked with sobs that I refused to release, as well as pent up anger and anxiety.

Sarah's arms wrapped around me. "We're not being positive, just optimistic. Every vision you inform us about is something we can prepare for. Trust me, all of us are scared, too."

I let out a single laugh that sounded more like a sigh. "You're all pretty good at hiding it, then."

She was silent for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "We know how much you worry about us. Even back home, when we were clearly in no danger of being harmed, you went out of your way for us. Now that we don't need that kind of protection anymore, we want nothing more than to return the favor. It's not that we're trying to hide our own fears from you, Chrystal. It's that we are so determined to do whatever it takes to protect you that they don't break through the surface."

More tears fell, then. I always worried about my friends. They were the only family I had left after my parents died. I wanted to make sure that nothing happened to them, that they would always be safe. Even when I was sure Sebastian was going to be taking my soul, I made sure they had everything they needed before I was gone.

Sarah was giving me a sad smile. "Let us return the favor," she said again. "Do what you need to do. Feel your fear. Train yourself as hard as you want. But this time, have faith that we will protect you."

I nodded, reaching out and latching onto her in a tight hug as I finally let out the sobs I'd been holding back. This was what I needed. Not for someone to just tell me it would be okay, but for someone to sit with me, let me cry, and assure me that while they didn't know the outcome of the situation, they were going to do everything in their power to keep me safe, just as I had them for so long.

After I cried for a while, Sarah holding me, I pulled back slightly. "What do I do about Sebastian?"

Sarah smiled. "You talk to him. He loves you too much to be angry. At most, you've only worried him."

"You say 'only' like it's not a big deal."

She shrugged. "In the grand scheme of things, I'd say it isn't." When I didn't say anything, she added, "Talk to him. Tell him how you were feeling and apologize for getting angry. We can go find him now if you'd like."

I shook my head a little too quickly. "He said he still has a lot to do. I don't want to bother him."

"I doubt he's getting much done at all if he's worrying about you."

I bit my lip. "I just want tonight. I want to be alone and think things over by myself. I'll talk with him in the morning."

Sarah nodded. "If space is what you need, then take it." She stood then, and offered me her hand. I took it gratefully as she helped me off the floor, then didn't release her as she walked me back to my bedroom, telling me to get some sleep, and that she'll put my swords away for me.

"Thank you," I told her when we reached my room. "I don't know what I would've done without you."

She smiled, then hugged me. "I'll always be here to take care of you. Goodnight, Chrys."

"Goodnight," I replied as the door closed between us.

I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but there was still a heavy one on my heart. I had to make sure Sebastian knew I wasn't mad at him. It was the fear talking, the fear that longed to be felt, acknowledged. And knowing that I would be able to right things with Sebastian tomorrow, that he wasn't angry with me, I was able to climb in bed and drift to sleep.