Things in my Notes App bc I Don't Have a Therapist

#5

Jan 31 2023

He doesn't acknowledge me anymore. I haven't seen him since midterms and haven't kissed him since a week before winter break. A whole damn month. I miss him. I don't know why he's acting like this. I even told him to talk to me and let me know if he feels like being distant. Why is he like this? I don't know what else to do but hope that he's okay. It's just not fair that I'm freaking out and putting my mental health on the line and making sure that he's okay. I get dressed for him, I try to look good for him. Every bit of motivation I have is because of him and to see that he s showing signs that he doesn't care just hurts me. Like where are my hugs? Why don't you show me love the way I show you love. It's not fair. I don't even know if he's gonna get me something for Valentine's Day. I know one thing. And that's I'm going to keep my expectations very low. I'm still gonna make him something. Idk what but I'll just find something cute and put it all together. I'll ask him if we can talk tomorrow. I just don't want to waste the time with each other being silent. Every time we talk in the halls it's silent. I expect a kiss every time we meet but so far it has been nothing. I just want affection. Is that so much to ask for. Why do I have to ask you to show love to me? If you want us to be over then just saw it bc that's what it feels like. I feel like he's just leading me on and I feel like he doesn't really want me. When we talk it's nothing ur when he talks to other people, his face lights up and he looks happy and he has so much to talk about. I feel like my friends aren't really my friends. I feel like he's my only friend sometimes. So when he just talks to someone else, I'm just left there. Standing or walking ahead or just going on my phone to no look bothered. It bothers me though. A lot. To the point where I tell myself that he's bored of my every single time it happens. Why can't it just be us? No one else just us. I want to talk to you, be with you, hug you, kiss you, love you and yet you still can't see that I'm making such an effort. I feel like I'm just being casted aside. I'm your girlfriend like you can at least seem interested in the shit that I say, you know. Say "mhm" and "eh" it's like you don't give a shit. Wtv. I cried over the same mf shit and it sucks every single time. I m just so tired of it. Try and change. Please.