7 Minutes ~ Jude Bellingham

is it too late to turn around?

Somewhere in the air between Dortmund and Madrid

Jude's POV:

I was sitting in my seat in the private airplane when my manager approached me. "Here, for you." he said and handed me an envelope which had my name written on the front in a handwriting that looked somewhat familiar. 

"Euhm, thank you. Is this from you?" I asked him before he smirked and said "No."

He turned on his heels and walked away to his own seat. I decided that that was my cue to open the envelope. 

Jude,

It's been a while, I know. I'm not even sure if you still think about me. The things that happened between us completely broke me, and because of that I had to "disappear" for a while and think some things through. Everything I did, saw, smelled, tasted or heard reminded me of you. Radio's playing songs for me and you, 'Chasing Cars' reminds me of nights in your room. Drinking wine under your window, back when life was so damn simple. How the hell did I end up losing you?

I know that it was not okay from me to just leave you like that, but I would've at least expected a message from you. It would've been nice to have some kind of conformation that you still think about me, too. I could've also called or texted, I know. But after that evening I was a bit scared you'd be with another girl, and how awkward would it be to call you during a date with her or something. But even other players told me you didn't speak about me, and that hurt me. 

I thought about coming back home, to you, but I was afraid. I was constantly thinking "If I came back now, would you still be there? If I come around, would you even care?"

However, I can understand that you had other things on your mind. You know, that whole Madrid adventure you're doing kinda surprised me. I didn't really see you as someone who would choose Madrid over all those other teams, but it's your choice I guess. 

Meanwhile I have watched all your games. Yes, all of them. I saw you score all those goals and saw you almost winning the Bundesliga. Not gonna lie, even though I'm not the biggest football fan, as someone born and raised in Dortmund that shit hurt. 

What I'm gonna say now is not the nicest thing ever, but I just have to say it. I hope losing me will hurt you more than that missed Bundesliga did. Why did you have to turn so cold? Why did you lose interest in me? Why? Did I do something wrong? Or was it all too good to be true, from the start on?

Though I will never know if you ever truly did love me at any point during "us", and I will never know if you were just using me for whatever you could gain out of me, or even which parts of our relationship were real and sincere on your side... 

I've made peace with it on my side. I'm happy now. It took me a while to understand that we were over, although I'm not sure if we ever were something tho. 

I thought you were a guardian angel send from heaven to save me, guess you were the opposite. Don't get me wrong, I will forever be thankful that you got me out of my abusive relationship, but heaven had to send me another guardian angel to completely save me. 

I wish you all the best in Madrid, and I hope you will find your peace too. Thank you for giving me a second chance in life. 

Maybe, one day, you will realize what you've lost. But don't think about coming back to me, because I don't think Jamal will let you hurt his girlfriend another time. 

I truly loved you Jude, I really did. I hope you regret giving up on us. 

I guess or story ends here. We'll maybe meet again, if not in this lifetime then in the next. 

Goodbye, 

Lena

And then, right there, something hit me. A feeling of regret. My butterfly, who I completely forgot about. I was so busy with Dortmund and my move to Madrid, that I had barely time to think. Barely time to realize that she was gone. 

And now, I had lost her forever. She's Jamal's butterfly now. She will hate me forever. I'm pretty sure that every time she thinks about me, she either cries or throws up. God, why did I let it come this far?

Fame got in my head, and I had changed. I had neglected the person who still is one of the reasons I have my oh-so-desired transfer to Madrid. She was there to support me, comfort me, cheer me on and love me, but what did I do? I kinda "cheated" on her with that stupid daughter of my manager, and after that evening I acted like she never existed. I think I lost my mind that day. 

Tears start to form in my eyes as I think about the, very wrong, choices I had made. Was this all worth it? If preparing for my move to Madrid had changed me that much, then what will happen when I'm there? Will I lose myself even more? 

I don't wanna move to Madrid. Dortmund is my home, Lena is, well was, my home. Shit. I need to get out of here. 

I start to panic, this is not what was supposed to happen. My original plan was taking MY butterfly with me to Madrid, marry her, start a family and maybe win a Champions League or two and a World Cup somewhere during that. 

But what did I end up with? A butterfly that I completely broke and who isn't my butterfly anymore, and an ego that is bigger than the amount of people that I let down during BVB-Mainz. 

I looked out of the window as the sun started to set. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, and I have NEVER felt so shit as I did now. I hate myself. 

Staying humble is what I should've done. Pride will always have its consequence, humility will always have its reward. No matter how big your house is, how recent your car is, how much you have on you bank account, how many goals you scored or how many Champions Leagues you've won. Our graves will always be the same size. I forgot that myself for a while and look what happened, I won nothing. I only lost. 

My heart is broken, my fault. My soul is empty and cold, my fault. My body is lacking energy, my fault. My eyes are missing their usual sparkle, my fault. 

Everything is my fault. 

I'm sitting in my seat. Empty, sad, scared, angry. My thoughts are with my butterfly. Where is she right now? What is she doing? Is she happy? Is she warm enough? Has she eaten enough today? Jamal has to make sure he draws circles on her back at night, otherwise she can't sleep. I hope he will make her peach tea, her favorite. But she only likes it with a piece of Toblerone on the side, otherwise she refuses to drink it. 

If only I had thought about these things sooner. If only I had cared more. 

At this point, I am crying my eyes out. I want to turn back the time, and change everything. But I can't.I will have to live with the consequences of my own stupid actions. 

Now I sink a little deeper, think a little clearer

Looking at myself through these newfound eyes

Is it too late to turn around?

I'm already halfway out of town

Now I know how I let you down

Oh, I finally figured it out

I forgot to love you, love you, love you

I forgot to love you, love you, love you