A Shadowed Life Of A Malfoy

Big ambitions

It was the following day and I couldn't get out of bed, I had tried many times but nothing worked. I stared up at the ceiling as I lay in my bed.

I felt... I felt empty.

This hurts... and... and I can't stop it from hurting.

A day of sleeping... yes, that sounded good right about now… As depressing as that sounds.

My mind was filled with memories of the boy with raven hair and... and the way she'd felt his touch... and... and his lips on hers.

No... this can't happen again... I can't be distracted by this...

She climbed into bed and shut her eyes.

I'm just gonna sleep now...

I lay in my bed for the entire day. I didn't move a muscle... not a single one. I didn't do anything, I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't… I didn't want to think about anything at all. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The next day, I didn't lay in my bed all day anymore. Instead, I walked out of my room. I needed to move... I wanted to move... because this... this couldn't be it.

This couldn't be all that I did. I had to... I had to do something.

I walked around the castle and the grounds.

I didn't want to think about him... I couldn't think about him.

So I just... I just tried to focus on other things. On other people... other students... and on the things that they wanted to speak to me about. It wasn't easy. My thoughts kept drifting back to him...

I hadn't seen him since. I hope it stayed that way for the greater good. I headed to the great hall for lunch. Sirius wasn't at the Gryffindor table.

I stare at my untouched food for ages. I had no appetite after what had happened. I needed to eat though. So I took a bite of bacon from my plate. I ate my food, slowly and methodically. But I didn't eat it with gusto, with pleasure, or even with mild interest. I just... I just ate it because I knew I had to. I had to keep my strength up. I had to survive this.
I had to live my life, to try to keep living normally as much as I could.

So, I set off towards the library. I didn't want to study potions, but I felt like I had to be productive in some way.
I had to *do something* to take my mind off of things... just for a little while anyhow.

If I sit around, doing nothing, my mind starts drifting back to him. And I can't do that. I just... I can't. I can't let my mind think of him.

I sat down in the library and started studying potions... as best I could. It was a distraction. That was the whole reason she was here. All I wanted was a distraction.

McGonagall did say she would be open to helping me become an animagus.

An animagus... yes, that was something to focus on.

That was one thing that I was sure about. I did want to become an animagus. And I did want to speak to Professor McGonagall about that.

An animagus... yes...

I returned to my studies with renewed interest. I was focused now, her mind not drifting, not wandering, not... not thinking of...

Him.

I walked to Professor McGonagall's office a couple of hours later.

I wanted... no, I needed to stay focused. I was going to speak to Professor McGonagall and then that would be all I had to think of.

An animagus...

After all, transforming into an animal with a spell was one thing. But transforming into an animal with a special potion... that was something so much more fascinating. Perhaps this would be my salvation... my way of coping with things.