The Deathsinger: Book 2

Ch. 5: A Matter of Forgiveness

ASTREIA

"I asked you a question."

Yoko sat on the other side of the fire, watching me through the smoky haze as she waited for my answer. This far up in the mountains, the fire was necessary to avoid freezing to death, but we kept it small for fear of being seen by anyone who might be looking for us. But the pitiful fire and cold air wasn't responsible for the chill between us right now.

"And I told you I don't know."

"Damn it. That's not an answer," she said, thrusting another log into the blaze and sending up a spray of orange sparks. "It's been nearly a month. You're blaming me, but it wasn't even my idea. Why can't you forgive me?"

"No, but you went along with it."

"If I hadn't, you would be bonded to Tievel, and who knows what state our realm would be in?"

"We could have figured something else out. There was still time."

"No, there wasn't, and when he took you into that inn, I promised you I would find a way to stop this. And I found Morana. What else would you call that but fate?"

I picked at the dirt beneath my nails. The perfect manicure that I once kept was long gone, and every single nail was short and jagged. Scrapes and scars marred my skin, some deep enough to expose the ever present light of Vyta in my skin, but none were as painful as the wounds I carried on the inside.

"I don't know what else I can say at this point," Yoko continued. She slapped her thighs and stood. "I'll gather some more wood before we go to sleep."

"Morana was such a pitiful thing when Beatrice brought her to me. Half starved and scarred. They'd brought me others before her. Girls they wished to be my companion, not so I wouldn't be lonely, but so I wouldn't be as bothersome."

Yoko slowly lowered herself back onto the log. This was the most I'd spoken to her since we'd fled the inn. It was foolish of me to blame her for what happened, but if I didn't, then I would have to blame the person truly responsible. Myself.

"I didn't like any of them, and I almost dismissed Morana."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I saw something in her that reminded me of myself. She was a survivor. One who would do whatever it took."

Drawing my silver braids over my shoulders, I worked to untangle them while I searched for the right words to make Yoko understand the broken places inside me that wouldn't seem to heal. They were old wounds ripped open the day Tievel told me Morana had fallen overboard and perished. I thought knowing she was alive might be enough to mend them, but guilt kept them raw.

"I think if we were both asked, we would say we saved one another. It would be true, but as the years passed, I questioned whether I was doing the right thing. I knew enough of the war and what happened in Estrellum to know things were getting bad. That Edresh was spitting lies, but I didn't tell Morana. She needed to believe she was safe. I wanted to protect her."

"You did protect her." Yoko moved, so that we shared the same log, but she didn't touch me. "She grew up with comforts a lot of war orphans didn't get to experience."

"But that's just it. Comfort isn't safety. I-I didn't know what she was then, of course. But I could have opened her eyes to the world enough so she could have learned to defend herself. Maybe she would have even looked at Tievel with a little more discernment. I knew what his grandfather was, and what that might mean he would become one day. If I'd said anything to her, things could be different."

"Oh, my love."

At last she touched me, her hands cool against my flushed cheeks. I leaned into the caress, hungry for her as always. Not even my anger had diminished my desire for her over the last month.