The Crash of Worlds - The Last Of Us

Part X - The Suicidal Clock

James hadn't moved since they left, he'd just been crying. Hoping they'd come back, but after the second day of nothing he'd lost hope entirely. And without another thought he took out his journal and began to write,

He's gone. Ellie went with him, I'm not sure where to go from here. I was beginning to think we had something. Perhaps I was a fool to think so. My hearts so full of him I can hardly call it my own.

It still hurts, like a stabbing pain in my chest. It's all I can think of, all those years alone. I thought I'd finally found someone to spend my life with. But I didn't. It seems Joel rushed to love me, and rushed to leave me.

Is there life after death? I don't know, But I died when he left. And I'm still here.

I'll miss that kid, Ellie had a real spark. I imagine she'll become something better than whatever the hell I'm doing. She confided in me about her sexuality, and I can say she'll definitely find some woman to love her. Some girl who treats her right like she deserves. I think Joel would think the same, at least I know she'll be cared for by him. Just wish I could be there too.

You're supposed to move on from things like this right? Forget him? But how am I to forget someone who gave me so much to remember? I can't still see him, the way he itches his beard when he nervous. The way he looked at me. The way he made me feel, I don't think I can forget it.

He gave me a taste of a real relationship. A partnership, a friendship. I'm not sure I can go on much further. It's clear to me now that the world is made for two. Not for us alone. Without love itself what's the point of all of this? If we don't have love what do we have besides hatred?

What am I to do? Grow angry? Give up? Or something else entirely? What's the point of living if you don't have somebody loving you? Anyone, anything to care for you. Perhaps I'm being dramatic but the world feels so much colder than before, I cannot bare it.

So I guess this is my final goodbye. To all my good memories and my bad. To the jokes I've told, and the ones I've never quite got. And goodbye to all the what-ifs I had, and all the plans I had. Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.

James shut his journal, tears held just barely in his eyes before they fell down his cheeks. He hated how much of a curse it was to feel things. Feel so deeply to the point he cannot bare the heartbreak. But it's all he felt like he could do, he didn't have anything else. So what's the point? Before he didn't know what he was missing but now he knows what he didn't have. All those years. Joy.

He stuffed the book back into his backpack, which he set against the tree. Along with his knife which he jabbed into the trunk. He made sure to roll down his sleeves to cover his tattoos, if his parents are watching him now he knows they'd be disappointed. To see him give up his life after all they did to give him it.

With a blank sob he strung a thick rope over the strongest branch on the tree. He'd had it in his bag. He always kept it. He tied that fateful knot as he placed the rope around his neck. Standing on an old chair he'd found he looked ok at the horizon for the last time. The sun rising above the trees as the warm flow of the suns rays hit his face. It was beautiful. Too beautiful.

James took the rope off his neck as he skunk to the ground. Panting harshly as he started to sob into his hands. He found out the hard way he didn't want to die. But what is he to do now?

...

"Joel?" Ellie asked, looking up at the man who hadn't looked back for the past day or so. They'd stopped in an old store just a few miles from the cult.
"Not another word." Joel scolded, laying down and closing his eyes as he just barely cried.
"We can't just leave him!" Ellie shouted, standing over Joel as his eyes shot open,
"I said not another word damnit!"
"I don't care! I don't want to leave him back there!," Ellie started to cry, "He was one of the good ones... and you left him."

As Joel watched Ellie cry he had a moment, he'd just thrown away one of the most precious things in his life. Threw away what was surely a relationship to last because he was afraid. He ditched him, left him on the side of the road. When he should have if anything loved him more for getting them out of there. Oh my god. Joel thought. What had he done..?

"Fuck!" Joel screamed out, grabbing Ellie by the wrist and pulling her out the door as they started to sprint back to where they last saw James.

They weren't far but they were far enough they could worry James had left. Joel ran faster than he ever has before he slowed down, nearly fainting as his body was overwhelmed.

Ellie hadn't stopped she was way ahead of him as they continued rushing to undo this mistake. Joel was running the best he could but he was far to tired to go any faster, his body was long from its prime in terms of speed.
"James?!" Ellie asked, she'd made it to the place they last saw him before Joel. She looked around wildly before finally seeing what she hoped she wouldn't, "James!" Ellie screamed out as she rushed towards these beside a noose.

She ran over in a panic, surely thinking James was about to hang himself. In reality he'd fallen asleep. However as Joel and Ellie looked at him they feared the worst,
"James?!" Joel shouted as he ran over to him.
Joel sat down with the blonde, waiting for something.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I made a mistake." He said, James didn't move. So in desperation he laid James on the grass, taking what he learned in health class and began doing CPR. Or what he remembered of it, breathing air into his mouth. Chest compressions to the tune of "staying alive".

"James please get up." Joel asked, continuing to do his best to bring him back. "I... love... you."

He kept going until eventually one of James's eyes shot open,
"What the fuck!" He shouted as he instinctively flew back, taking a moment he saw Joel and Ellie and relaxed.
"Please don't do this." Joel insisted,
"I wa-"
"I love you." Joel sniffled.